Ding dong merrily on high, fa-la-la-la-la-laaaa-la

[r_vecchio]

Dear Santa... Dear Santa, This year I've been busy! In November ynez_castillo and I robbed a bank (-50 points). In April I caught a purse-snatcher who stole will_porter's purse (30 points). In June I gave in_a_chinashop a wet willie, then I took it back (-5 points). In August I bought porn for ray__k (-10 points). Last month I stole onewingbloody's purse (-30 points). Overall, I've been naughty (-65 points). For Christmas I deserve a lump of coal! Sincerely, r_vecchio

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Coal? But I bought Kowalski porn... why's that a negative??

Comments

[r-vecchio.livejournal.com]

Yeah, of course.

My son. I don't know.

[ynez-castillo.livejournal.com]

Do you want to know what happened in Pittsburgh? I helped save Christmas. I'll tell you about it if you promise not to freak out.

That's so sad, Ray. Think about it.

[r-vecchio.livejournal.com]

Tell me. You'll experience no freaking out even though I thought I just read that you help save Christmas. It's a done deal.

Yeah. Well... Will do.

What d'you want for Christmas?

[ynez-castillo.livejournal.com]

Well, okay. There was this FBI agent I knew a little bit, a friend of a friend, and we chatted a little bit and it turned out that he was very interested in my area of expertise. Magical expertise, that is.

So when there was a zombie on the loose in Pittsburgh, he called to see if I had any advice. Long story short, I met him there to help out and it was a good thing I did because it was indeed a dead man walking.

Oh, Ray. I'm so sorry. You better.

Peace on earth.

[r-vecchio.livejournal.com]

...And how did that save Christmas?

Ynez, don't, please. Won't stop thinking 'til I find an answer.

Uh, how 'bout something that can be wrapped?

[ynez-castillo.livejournal.com]

I'm getting to that part! It turns out that the zombie was a father. Had been a father, I mean, when he was alive. He had died suddenly and his daughter got hold of this amulet that she wished on. She wished to have him back, but she didn't specify how, and oops, she got a reanimated corpse.

It was sad. And ugly. It was a very difficult zombie all the way around. Scared the hell out of Agent Mulder. It got a little bit out of control till I cut its strings.

Metaphorically speaking, of course. I sort of know a few tricks about that sort of thing.

Um, wait, I think things got a little bit out of order here. See! You confused me. Or maybe I'm not remembering it right.

No, we were at the police station with the zombie in an interrogation room, when Mr. Kringler showed up.

Wouldn't you be suspicious of a short fat man with a big white beard who told you his name was Claus Kringler?

Oh, Ray. I'm sorry. Okay. And then tell me the answer.

I'm not picky.

[r-vecchio.livejournal.com]

Okaaay. I still don't get how that saved Christmas. And you interrogated a zombie? Because..?

Yeah, more than suspicious, I'd have had him drugs-tested. Why was he there?

Ynez...please. I promise.

That's not an answer.

[ynez-castillo.livejournal.com]

We didn't interrogate the revenant. He couldn't speak. I was just trying to find out more about how he got made. Where the amulet came from. What was going on. See?

Drugs-tested!! You can't test Santa Claus for drugs! And he was there to get his amulet back.

Please what? What am I doing wrong? What!? Okay.

Well, it is. I don't know how else to answer it.

[r-vecchio.livejournal.com]

I see...

So, really, how did this save Christmas?

Why can't you drugs-test Santa? There's no law against it, as far as I know.

Nothing. Just, God, please, forget I said it.

I'll work with that.

[ynez-castillo.livejournal.com]

I'm getting there!! You have to let me tell the story my own way!

It's disrespectful to drug test him, Ray. If you'd have met him, you wouldn't have even thought about it. He just had a way about him.

Oh Ray. I feel so helpless. I wish there were something I could do to make you feel better.

[r-vecchio.livejournal.com]

Okay, sorry. Please continue...

He's Santa! The only way he could make it round the world and stay awake is if he's sniffing something. And now I plan to find out what it is...

Yeah. There's nothing so...there's just nothing.

[ynez-castillo.livejournal.com]

Ouch. Fine. I hear you.

It's magic. It was the amulet. He had to get it back because that's what gives him the power to make Christmas.

[r-vecchio.livejournal.com]

I'm sorry, Ynez but I just, I don't wanna talk about it.

Santa uses an amulet to make Christmas happen?

[ynez-castillo.livejournal.com]

Okay. I'm sorry.

He does. To make all the toys and get them delivered. To make the reaindeer fly. The whole thing. Without that amulet, no Christmas.

Agent Mulder and I saved Christmas. I could call Mr. Kringler and put in a good word for you.

[r-vecchio.livejournal.com]

So am I. But I really hate it when you feel like you gotta apologize, 'cause you really don't need to.

So it's not only kids who get presents from Santa? Wow. And, y'know, if you wanna call him and tell him I've been good, then I'd be cool with that...

[ynez-castillo.livejournal.com]

I feel bad for you. That's all.

I'll just do that, then. He'll figure out what you need for Christmas.

[r-vecchio.livejournal.com]

Okay, well, try not to, yeah? 'Cause I don't wanna make you feel bad.

Toy train set. Uh, yeah, I'm sure he'll find something that I want.

[ynez-castillo.livejournal.com]

I know you don't. I just don't like it that you're hurting. But I understand.

Anything else? I'm sure he will.

[r-vecchio.livejournal.com]

Make-up set, LEGO, dress up Barbie, Action Man! Uh, coloring set and I'll let you know anything else I think of...

Can Santa read minds?

[ynez-castillo.livejournal.com]

Make up set? Dress up Barbie? Is there something you need to tell me, Ray?

I think so, yes.

[r-vecchio.livejournal.com]

That I'm a big kid at heart? ...who likes girly games? Oh, Christ.

Uh oh.

[ynez-castillo.livejournal.com]

You said it.

Have you been naughty or nice?

[r-vecchio.livejournal.com]

Don't tell anyone.

A lot little bit of both. How 'bout you?

[ynez-castillo.livejournal.com]

Your secrets are always safe with me, Ray. You might want to mention this one to your shrink, though.

Mostly nice, I think. I don't know for sure.

[r-vecchio.livejournal.com]

I tell that to Dinosaur Guy and chances are it'll give him heart failure.

Nice, more than nice. Definitely more than nice. How can you not know for sure?