Fraser, I got a bad back 'cos of you

Spoke to Fraser last night. It was so good to finally be able to talk to him. I didn't really think I'd be speaking to people I knew from Chicago so I would say it's a great surprise but I kinda had a whole different, bigger surprise to deal with.

I didn't confront him directly. Benny doesn't like confrontations and I don't like arguing with him. I could argue with Kowalski for days but Benny's different. I just didn't know what to say to him. I typed a lot of stuff I shouldn't have, kinda let most of it out but I didn't say what I really wanted to be able to say. What Fraser wanted me to be able to say.

I'm still not entirely sure of what's going on and I didn't sleep real well last night from thinking about it. Stella kicked me outta the bed onto the couch 'cos I wouldn't keep still. I haven't said anything to her - it'd just be one more thing between us and if it got any worse I think I'd be moving back to Chicago for good. I hope to God she doesn't read this. 'Cos believe me, it's not the best way to find out something like this. From what Kowalski's said - not that I can believe anything he says - but it seems, well he says he's queer in love with Fraser. Except he was married to Stel for 15 or however many years so that's kinda weird. What's more weird is that he says Fraser loves him. I guess that could be true 'cos I know he loves me, but the whole 'being in love' with the guy - no way. Not in this lifetime.

Fraser didn't say much - he didn't confirm anything so that's good. But he didn't deny it either but I think that's just his way. He speaks a lot but you gotta filter your way through to get to the important stuff. So, I'm holding onto that at the moment - He didn't confirm it. Therefore Kowalski is as deluded as I thought the first time I met him. Until I hear it from Benny's own mouth, preferably when I can see his mouth saying the words, I don't have to worry. 'Cos there's nothing to worry about. Nothing's changed. Fraser's still Fraser and that's the way I like it.

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Ok, so Stella's ignoring me. She wants to know what's up with me lately and I can't think of a lie good enough to hide the truth. I told her I'm just pissed about not going to dinner last night. She wants to know why I even bothered to book the place. 'Why you pushing this, Ray?'

'You blame me for wanting to try and sort this out. Sort us out?'

'I don't blame you for anything.'

'Yeah, you're making that real clear, Stel.'

'Oh, grow up, Ray. I don't like talking to you when you're like this.'

And then she left for lunch without me. Pretty normal day in the Vecchio-Kowalski household for you. Not sure why, but I find this journal writing thing a lot easier than I thought it would be. Just writing stuff down, kinda helps. Oh great, now it sounds like I need a shrink. Heh, maybe I do.