(no subject)

Didn't sleep again last night but I can't figure out why - was it the couch, the whole Stella thing or do I still have a problem with Fraser and Kowalski? Okay, all three but I'm working on one of them; it's not Stella and I'm no carpenter so you figure out which one I mean.

I know why it bothers me so much - I'm Catholic and I'm a cop, even if I don't carry a badge anymore and those two things don't really go with their type of 'orientation,' as Kowalski likes to call it. That's what I thought it was about anyway. Now I feel like I'm trying to find something wrong with it. I'm not homophobic, just I've never had to - I've never had anyone close to me... going in the direction. Am I allowed to call it gay? I don't even know what I should call it. I did this cool fisherman/hunter analogy for Fraser which seemed to work quite nicely but I feel stupid referring to it like that. 'So, Benny, how's the fishin' going?'  Doesn't really work.

I don't know if I'd feel the same if Fraser was like this about a woman. Some part of me thinks I'd freak out more if it was a woman because of the whole Victoria hell he went through. Least Kowalski knows about her, so I don't have to worry about that happening again. He tells me Fraser's happy, Fraser tells me he's happy, so what is wrong with me? Why can't I be happy for him, them, whatever? It's not that I'm Catholic or a cop (I figured that out about 4am last night), it's not that I have anything against guys liking guys, I just - Fraser didn't tell me and this has been going on for weeks now. But I'm not allowed to be mad about that 'cos there's a lot of stuff I didn't tell him, so what is it? I feel like there's this whole change that went on and I should have been there when it happened, and now I'm just tryin' to catch up and figure out where I fit in with Fraser's new life. I hope he's got enough room for two Ray's  - if not, I'm claiming dibs, Kowalski.

Nah, I can't claim anything, I don't have the right. Just don't forget you got me too, Fraser.

Maybe if it wasn't Kowalski. Maybe it's him I have the problem with. Three years, he said he's felt like that, and that means he was being me when he noticed it. God, it gets to me. He was me. He should have been doing his job. Watching Fraser's back, not watching Fraser's back. But there's only so much you can control when you're undercover, I know that. I guess he still felt like Kowalski underneath; I sure as hell made sure I still felt like me when I was the Bookman 'cos you gotta remember some part of yourself before the new life swallows you whole.

Maybe it's not so bad. I've heard a bit about him from Stella and Frannie. Ma seemed to like him, even Dief doesn't have a problem and Fraser's assured me that has nothing to do with donuts. No denying he's a good cop, and despite his skewed taste in cars, like a GTO beats a Riv, yeah right,  he seems like a good enough guy. 'Course, this is all second-hand info, so I gotta check this out for myself. I just think maybe I should listen more and get to know the guy before I judge him anymore than I already have.

So I've figured it out. I'm not angry anymore, okay I am a little but it's mostly shock. I was just surprised, that's all. And shock wears off once you've come to terms with it. And everyone comes to terms with stuff in the end, right?

#148 What keeps you up at night?

Take your pick. I got plenty of things to choose from.

There’s the situation with Stella. Yeah, it happened four months ago but things haven’t gotten any better. We don’t talk about it and that seems to suit her just fine. Me? I want to talk and try to sort this out but every time I bring it up, she just looks at me like it’s my fault. And it’s the memory of that look on her face when I close my eyes that stops me from sleeping. I’m seeing that look more and more and I can’t help thinking this relationship’s gonna go the same way as Angie.

The Bowling Alley. It’s up for sale so I have lawyer fees and accountants on my back every single day. It didn’t work out; me and Stel pretty much realised it wouldn’t a coupla months after we got it. Hey, that’s kinda like our relationship right there. Not working out but neither of us wanting to say anything ‘cos we’ve both been through this kind of thing before. I’ve got a buyer up in Chicago so when I go visit Fraser and Dief - and Kowalski - I’m gonna see about getting rid of damn place as quickly as possible.

And so we come to my Mountie friend. Talk about bombshell. He didn’t even wrap the surprise up in a nice, big Eskimo story to soften the blow, not that I didn’t ask. So he and Kowalski are an item. I-T-E-M sort of item. I’m freaking out, I’m pissed off he didn’t tell me earlier, I wanna knock some sense into him and I wanna knock out Kowalski, but this is me dealing with it. See me dealing, Fraser? But sleepless nights give me thinking time, and what I’m thinking most of the night is that I don’t have to like it right now, I just have to support Fraser. ‘Cos it’s not my feelings that count in this equation. Took me a while to figure that out .

Fraser’s a good judge of character (excluding that psycho Victoria) so Kowalski really can’t be as bad am I’m thinking. He’s got a temper though, that much I remember from our brief encounter at the 2-7. But he knows Fraser means as much to me as he means to him so I’m pretty much okay with him being Fraser’s friend. Fraser’s boyfriend…? Ask me that when I’ve gotten a good night’s sleep.

 
Muse: Ray Vecchio
Fandom: Due South
Words: 410

#146 Hidden

Guess you could say I was hiding when I went undercover. Me, I wouldn’t call it hiding exactly, I just needed a change of scenery, step up the ol’ cop career ladder. Don’t get me wrong, I love Chicago, just that I spent my entire life in that goddamn city and it gets to you. ‘Course with a Mountie as your partner, the city’s a little more exciting than usual. Did I say exciting? I meant life-threatening as in jumping-off-buildings-diving-into-dumpsters-tasting-crap-dangerous. But that was mainly Fraser’s job, I just tagged along, despite me being the one with the badge, the cuffs… the gun. Guess I hid behind him too. Red serge hides more than just the Mountie, huh? I miss the city. I miss Fraser and God help me, I miss my family, and they’re Italian.

But that was three years ago. My life changed after I took the gig . I went to bed one night (not that I slept, couldn’t stop thinking about how I was gonna live without Benny in my life) as Detective First Grade Raymond Vecchio Chicago PD; divorced, disillusioned and desperate to get away; and got up the next morning as Armando “The Bookman” Langoustini, Vegas Mob Goon, thank you kindly. Hiding myself behind a butler who made the greatest butter milk this side of the Atlantic and wearing a fake moustache that scratched like hell. And a coupla hundred .38 calibres. Gotta look the part, right?

I’ve hidden a lot of things in my life - donuts from Dief, my receding hairline, my true self. Never went after what I really wanted. Except the time I did go for what I wanted, when I got run over by this gorgeous brunette, Suzanne something. Chapin? Anyway, we thought she was a perp, I just wanted to get laid. Turned out she was an ATF agent, which meant she was on the same team as Fraser and me; suddenly she wasn’t so appealing anymore. Good kisser though. Nice tongue.

When Benny and the Polack showed up at the hotel, yeah they could have ruined everything. Blown the entire cover. Worked out okay, I s’pose. Got me out of the silk suits (couldn’t even slip a few into my own wardrobe, FBI are such tight bastards) buried the Bookman and said au revoir to Nero and the butter milk. Got me a bullet in my chest for my trouble. Golden bullet though. Retired, full pension. Started a whole new life; a whole new me. Moved to Florida to open a bowling alley with the hottest woman I’d seen in a decade (yeah, yeah, I know, Kowalski’s ex-wife, just this side of forbidden), soaked up the sun, drank cocktails, lived the good life.

Worst decision of my life.

‘Cos I’m still hiding.

Muse: Ray Vecchio
Fandom: Due South
Words: 465