For Fraser

[r_vecchio]

Ray pulled up outside the Consulate, slamming on the brakes. He’d spent most of the morning arguing with Al over the price of the work needed for the Riv and had ended up paying a hundred dollars on top just so he could get his hands on the keys today. It’d been worth it though, she ran like a dream. He didn’t know why, but being behind the wheel made Ray feel great. He was Vecchio again, he was in Chicago and had his Riv. Three things he’d been missing for too long. The fourth was sitting in the Consulate, probably arguing with the Dragon Lady over some weird Canadian thing, like whether the Queen would appreciate a mint on her pillow should she ever decide to visit Chicago. Which was kind of stupid, Ray thought, since he was pretty sure there was a British Embassy in the city somewhere so surely she would stay there.

He was stalling, he knew this. Finally, finally he would be seeing Fraser again. They were going for lunch, like they had done a million times before but this was different. So much had changed for both of them and the last time they were together, Ray was lying in a hospital bed drugged up to his eyeballs. He can’t expect to simply walk in and everything to be the same, to go back to how it used to be, no matter how much Ray wished.

Turning off the engine, he sat in the car for a few minutes and stared at the building. It would be okay, Fraser was his best friend. He could do this. Ray looked at his watch. He was a early and Fraser had said he has lunch at one. Okay, not too early. Grabbing the keys, he shoved open the door and pulled his jacket tighter around him. Only November and already feeling like winter. As he walked up the steps, he couldn’t help grinning at Turnbull, all dressed up in his pristine Mountie costume, standing to attention out in the cold. Nodding at him with a ‘What’s up?’ he reached the door and pushed it open. There’s nothing better than normality. He stuck his head through before his body followed and yelled, “Fraser?!”

Comments

[fraser-rcmp.livejournal.com]

"Ray!" Fraser exclaimed, forgetting for the second that he was currently on the phone but quickly curbing his enthusiasm to apologize to the man on the other line. "I’m sorry. How far?"

"Ah, Mr. Vecchio. Always a pleasure." Thatcher spoke through semi-clenched teeth and gave as much of a smile as she could muster after catching an earful of loud-Italian. She’d been by the door, situating herself and bundling up, just on her way out for a luncheon date. It had been a dinner date up until all of ten minutes ago, hence her even-less-pleasant-than-usual demeanor. She despised altering plans on such short notice. It was inconvenient and inconsiderate...but she was off to meet an American, after all, so it did seem apt. "Constable?"

"Of course. Thank you kindly for your time." Hanging up the phone, Fraser stood up from his seat behind the front desk. "You’re transportation should be rounding the corner now, Sir." Pushing the chair back under the desk, he walked around and joined the pair by the door. Part of him had hoped that Inspector Thatcher would have taken her leave of the consulate before Ray had arrived, but now that he found himself in this situation, he was glad she was there. She was a bit of an accidental icebreaker.

"Excellent, thank you Constable." Buttoning the last button on her coat then slipping her hands into her gloves, there was a honk outside the Consulate announcing the arrival of her driver for the afternoon. "That would be for me. I expect you to maintain a sense of order while I’m gone, Constable. And...see that Turnbull comes in to thaw every hour or so."

"I’ll certainly do my best, Sir." Fraser nodded, folding his hands behind his back and smiling lightly.

Thatcher nodded in return, "Gentlemen," she said before stepping past the two, making her way out the front door and down to the car waiting for her.

Fraser watched until the vehicle was out of sight, taking a moment to glance at Turnbull to make sure he wasn’t turning blue, a small knot forming in his stomach as he suddenly felt horribly self-conscious. His icebreaker was gone...

His smile broadened a bit as he turned his attention to Ray, bringing his hand up and smoothing an eyebrow over with his thumb. He was nervous. Why was he nervous? "It’s great to see you, Ray."

[r-vecchio.livejournal.com]

Ray smirked at Thatcher’s feigned civility and was about to about to reply with an impromptu, and most probably inappropriate remark, when she cut him off. It was nice to see that some things never change. When Fraser joined him and the Dragon Lady by the door, Ray felt his body tense and quickly covered his unease by stuffing his hands in his pockets. Suddenly his feet became so much more interesting.

As Thatcher said her goodbyes, he glanced at Fraser out of the corner of his eye. He looked the same as usual, he was red and straight as an arrow, appearance wise anyway, and he still stood with his hands behind his back as he watched the car pull away. Maybe nothing had really changed. Not the important things anyway. Except things had changed. Fraser was, whatever he was and Ray was ‘Mr. Vecchio’ now, a title he hated more than he’d ever admit.

He was still staring when Fraser spoke to him. An image of them shaking hands and patting each other on the back flashed through his mind and he blinked, resolved. They would not be those guys. He grinned at Fraser, taking his hands out his pockets ready to wrap him in a friendly hug, pushing down any discomfort he was still feeling. “It’s more that great to see you, Benny. I’ve missed ya.”

[fraser-rcmp.livejournal.com]

He really wanted to fast forward through this part. The inevitable awkwardness. Since he wasn’t an idiot, he had no delusions of immediately being allowed to slip back into that familiar zone of comfort, feeling like maybe he had to earn it back again. It would come after the awkwardness and not a second before, no shortcuts allowed.

Unintentionally, he went rigid as Ray’s arms closed around him. Maybe it hadn’t been all that noticeable since his normal posture had been likened to a ramrod on more than one occasion, he wasn’t really sure. The current situation wasn’t entirely to blame for his reaction, though. He’d simply never been all that good with hugging in a general sense, something he supposed that he could attribute the responsibility to his upbringing. Eventually though, he did relax, as much as Benton Fraser could be expected to relax anyway, and he hugged Ray back. “I’ve missed you as well,” he said sincerely.

The sound of nails clicking against the hardwood floor announced Diefenbaker’s arrival as the wolf traveled a lazy path to the front door then sat by Ray’s feet with a long yawn. Of course, all that sleeping would make you tired... “Well good morning.” Fraser shook his head disapprovingly down at the wolf before pulling away from Ray. “Glad you could join us.”

Nothing...

Dief dismissed Fraser altogether, concentrating on Ray as he wagged his tail expectantly.

[r-vecchio.livejournal.com]

Ray’s grin dissolved into a rueful smile over Fraser’s shoulder when he felt him go rigid. He wasn’t sure why that made him so mad. Why should Fraser feel uncomfortable around him? He frowned a little when he considered if Fraser even had the right to feel uncomfortable but was brought out of his reverie by the sight of Diefenbaker. He immediately beamed at the wolf and when he pulled away from Fraser, it was like Ray’s face had never changed. He was still smiling.

He crouched down and began scratching behind Diefenbaker’s ears, the wolf curling into his touch. “Hey, Dief,” He scratched some more, “you doing good?” Running his fingers through the white hair, he silently thanked him for such great timing. Impulsively, he looked up to Fraser, his eyes a little too wide, “Can we bring to lunch?”

Ray’s stomach flipped over. He’d sounded desperate even to his own ears. And when had he ever actually asked to bring Dief with them before? Normally, he would be the one telling Fraser the wolf can look after himself. He’s a big boy. He’s street-wise.

Ray needed him.

He shrugged indifferently and tickled the top of Dief’s head as he stood up. Avoiding Fraser’s gaze, he shrugged again. “Thought he might’ve forgotten about me.”

[fraser-rcmp.livejournal.com]

Fraser arched an eyebrow at Ray’s request to bring Diefenbaker along, finding it odd and somewhat out of character. Upon further reflection, he really didn’t feel as though he had any right to judge anyone state of being in or out of character, so he simply nodded. “We can.”

Dief’s ears seemed to perk up at that, his tail wagging with a bit more enthusiasm than before. Figures you would like the sound of that. Fraser gave the wolf a pointed glance. Did he ever get full?

“Now, don’t be ridiculous,” Fraser smirked, “he’d sooner forget me before you, Ray. I’d never even offer him half of the things you’ve been know to let him eat. With proper coaxing you’re a meal waiting to happen. He’s trained you well.” He was teasing, of course, but that didn’t mean it wasn’t true. The wolf had motives...and Fraser refused to fall victim to them...

He made his way back to the desk, grabbing his coat and Stetson before returning to the front door. “Shall we?”

[r-vecchio.livejournal.com]

“That’s only ‘cause he’d never even touch half the things you offer him,” Ray joked, feeling himself gradually relaxing. It seemed like he was walking a knife’s edge and he wasn’t really sure which direction he was going in or how to carry on without falling off. “A wolf needs to eat, Benny.”

At least that still came naturally. Benny. It just rolled off his tongue like he’d said every day for the past year.

Ray dug his keys out of his pocket and lead the way out of the Consulate, hopping down the first few steps. He spun round waiting for Fraser to follow and slowly continued taking the steps backwards. From this view, Fraser looked impressive and more than a little imposing with his serge and Stetson. Dief trotted along behind him, lethargy personified, completing the picture. He jerked a thumb over his shoulder and smiled up to the pair. “Found a new Riv. Pretty sure this one’s Fraser-proof but Dief’s gotta promise not to leave wolf hair everywhere.”

He turned back round as he hit the sidewalk and went to the driver’s door, pulling it open carefully. Less than four hours he’d had her, so no way was he risking any sort of damage, no matter how insignificant. This was his Riv. Every scratch was like an arrow through his heart. He leant his arm on the roof and looked between the two of them. “So where d’you wanna go?”

[fraser-rcmp.livejournal.com]

“They do, I agree, but it’s only since coming to Chicago that his appetite has been...less wolf-like and more like that of a 9-year-old child.” His temperament had also altered between the Territories and Chicago, but that was a matter for an entirely different conversation.

Nodding a quick farewell to Turnbull, Fraser then trailed Ray, his eyes following the motion of Ray’s hand as he gestured toward the Riv. He knew how much Ray loved that particular make of car, his dream car as it was, and Fraser could hardly deny the fact that even he had a bit of a soft spot for it, too. Seeing that car brought back memories - not all of them were good ones, but even so... “Fraser-proof? Technically, I’m only responsible for the loss of the first one.” Which, okay, was the original and most important, but there was reasonable cause for it.

“Ah, the choice is completely up to you. I’m sure you've missed the finer points of Chicago cuisine while down south.” He walked around the car, opening the passenger side door and sliding the seat forward to allow Diefenbaker inside, then slid the seat back into place.

[r-vecchio.livejournal.com]

“Do not get me started on the Riv, Fraser, ‘cause it will not end well. Just be glad I’m letting you back in it in the first place.” Not that Ray would ever actually ban Fraser from the car but he knew he couldn’t talk about the destruction of said car without mentioning Kowalski. And that was something he really didn’t want to do right now.

He raised his eyebrows at Fraser, “You gonna get in?” Ducking his head into the Riv, he suspiciously eyed Dief in the backseat. “And you,” he pointed an accusatory finger in the wolf’s face, snapping it away when Dief tried to lick it, “you keep your paws to yourself, y’understand?”

He scooped up his jacket and dropped into the seat, slipping the keys in the ignition and pulling the door shut in one smooth motion. He waited for Fraser to do the same before gunning the engine. She purred when he tapped her lightly. He grinned and gripped the wheel.

Ray almost felt like they had gone back two years to when they were partners, to when they had been comfortable with each other and when they wouldn’t have needed to ask to know what the other was thinking. But that was then and this is what they have now and Ray was not going to let it slip through his fingers.

He turned in his seat, “Okay, our choices are… Crabs ‘n’ Things,” he snuck an amused glance at Fraser before ticking the restaurant off on his thumb, “but uh, don’t think they’d allow Dief in with all -” He waved his hand casually in the air, “…crabs ‘n’ things, too many animals.” He turned back round to face the windshield. “So, Belardies’ it is. We haven’t been there in ages.” Without waiting for a response, he hit the gas and pulled away, wincing slightly when he hears the tyres squeal.

When they hit traffic at the intersection, he drummed his fingers on the wheel praying Fraser would fill the silence.

[fraser-rcmp.livejournal.com]

Flipping his Stetson up onto the dashboard then buckling his seat-belt, Fraser settled back against the seat, sighing quietly as he smiled to himself. He may have even slouched a bit, which was terribly un-Mountie like, but he didn’t really care. Maybe it was dumb, it wasn’t even the same car for heaven sake, but it felt familiar to him.

“Excellent choice,” he said, not that he’d ever protest, whatever the decision may have been. Chewing at his bottom lip nervously, he stared out beyond his window for a moment before turning back to Ray. “How has your welcome back been thus far? I can only imagine your mother’s delight to have you home again.” Fraser could remember how Ray’s mum had fussed and fawned over her son when they had gotten back to Chicago after their trip up north had gone awry, and that had only been a few days.

He always hated the feeling of walking on eggshells, it was even worse feeling like he had to do so around Ray, it wasn’t something he ever needed to do before and it wasn’t something that he wanted to make a habit of now. But he didn’t want to risk making him uncomfortable. Well, more uncomfortable than he probably had already been feeling. Fraser didn’t want to push anything onto Ray, but he didn’t want to skirt the issue the entire afternoon either.

[r-vecchio.livejournal.com]

Ray’s grip on the wheel flexed as he squeezed hard and soft, hard and soft. This wasn’t easy like he thought it could have been. Sure, Fraser was acting like Fraser always acted but it was so alien to Ray.

He tore his eyes from the road to glance at Fraser for a second, before checking the mirror and hauling the Riv across the lanes to wait at the lights. “It’s been great, Benny. Ma nearly has a fit when she saw me,” his voice sounding strained. It was tiring being civil. He usually saved feigning good manners for when he was with people he didn’t like, but here he was with Fraser, forcing cheeriness into his answer when he felt anything but cheery. It wasn’t going to get any easier while this huge chasm sat there between them. Ray felt his shoulders slacken. He dropped his head to his chest with a sigh and tightened his grip again. He couldn’t make it through the entire lunch like this. Mountie’s were supposed to be honest, so he expected they appreciated honesty in return.

They needed to discuss important things. He couldn’t pretend for much longer and Ray mentally kicked himself for having caved so soon. Shaking his head slowly, he unclenched his teeth and sat staring at his lap. “I don’t want to talk about my family, Fraser.” He raised his head, looking Fraser in the eye. “I don’t want to talk about Chicago, or the weather, or anything else strangers talk about.” He sighed again, lowering his eyes. “We’re not strangers, Benny.”

As the lights changed, he set his jaw, stepped heavily on the gas and pulled away from the rest of the cars. Had he been looking, he would have seen his knuckles turning white.

[fraser-rcmp.livejournal.com]

“No. Of course we’re not,” he said with a subtle shake of his head. He was aware of that much, even if his actions and choice of words thus far hadn’t made it completely apparent. “Do forgive my poor conversation starter, but I just... I don’t want to make you feel as though I’m imposing any subject matter on you that you may not be completely comfortable discussing. Your family just seemed like a logical choice..” Logical. Safe. Same thing.

Fraser wanted him to be comfortable with it, talking about it, the idea of him and Ray, his Ray, but it wasn’t something he was about to force him into. That was something he had to come to on his own terms.

“This isn’t going to be easy, is it?” He asked, giving a short snort of laughter that was bordering on the edge of bitter. Why couldn’t it be easy? They were both being stupid and evasive and it was all terribly disheartening. “I wanted it to be.” He hoped it would be, but he hadn’t been holding his breath or operating under any disillusions that he’d get what he wanted.

“You can say exactly what’s on your mind, Ray. You know that, don't you? Whatever it may be. No need to censor yourself.” In fact, Fraser kind of wished Ray would do just that. He didn’t care how harsh the words were, if Ray completely hated the thought of him being with a man, or if it was just the idea of that man being Ray Kowalski that he hated. At this rate, he would have rather had Ray yelling at him, overreacting, and just being altogether un-apologetically Ray-like. Knowing where he stood on the subject, even if he loathed the very idea of it, was better than sitting there, not knowing and left to wonder.

[r-vecchio.livejournal.com]

"You wanna know what's on my mind, Fraser?" He swerved the car violently, cutting off a Chevy when he turned a corner. "What I can't get out of my mind? What goes round and round and round until I'm out of my mind?"

He could feel his skin prickling as his anger built and rushed to the surface. It was like it was burning off his body like vapor. He pulled the car over and it bounced onto the sidewalk. Illegal parking and tough on the Riv but Ray didn't even notice. He cut the engine, ripped his belt off and swung open the door. Too close, too claustrophobic in the car; he needed to escape before he said something he'd regret. He levered himself out using the wheel and walked a bit away, leaving the door ajar.

As soon as he was out, away from Fraser, he paced up and down until he could control his breathing. How the hell did Fraser think this was going to be easy? He did not want to argue with him. He'd sworn to himself he wouldn't shout and he'd just about broken both those promises. When he spun around, he stopped and faced the front of the car, his hands on his hips. He could see Fraser watching him. Between the seats, Dief's head poked out and cocked quizzically to the side. Ray squeezed his eyes shut and made his way back to the driver’s door, scrubbing his hands over the top of his head. He climbed quietly into his seat, buckled up and started the car again.

Twisting around to make sure it was safe to pull out, he came face to face with Dief. The wolf gave him a sad look and his right ear twitched before he curled up and began to doze. How could a deaf half-wolf make a man feel guilty with one look? Pretty easily, Ray figured, when the deaf half-wolf was Diefenbaker.

He drove in silence for three blocks, staring at the road ahead. They weren’t far from the restaurant now. Finally, Ray spoke, his voice hard and embittered. “Why then? Why did you wait until I was gone to decide you wanna do guys?” He shook his head furiously, the words coming out slow and sharp. “I do not get you, Fraser.”

[fraser-rcmp.livejournal.com]

Any comments or critiques related to Ray’s reckless driving that Fraser may have been quick to offer in the past were left unspoken. No need to go adding fuel to the already raging fire. He braced himself against the dashboard when the car came to it’s sudden halt, and watched in confusion as Ray exited the car. Oh dear...

He kept his sights locked on Ray the entire time, save for a quick glance back at Diefenbaker who seemed just as perplexed as he was. His eyes were wide and searching once Ray slipped back into the Riv and got them in motion once again. Furrowing his eyebrows once Ray spoke up, he tried not to look as hurt as he felt.

"That’s what bothers you? The time frame?" He asked before a long pause, once again finding the need to choose his words and tone carefully as the very notion that all of this was related to some simple decision that had just struck him one day. "I hardly had any sort of control over that, nor did I decide that I wanted to--," he cut himself off, absolutely refusing to say ‘do guys’. There were no guys, there was just Ray and there would only be Ray. "I can’t speak for the rest of humanity, Ray, but the development of...romantic feelings for someone is something that’s simply beyond the gamut of my control. There was no conscious decision making involved on either of our parts."

Sinking further down into his seat, he exhaled a sharp breath. "Love isn't a decision...," he muttered with a strange sense of resolve.

[r-vecchio.livejournal.com]

“Love?! Fraser, you can’t-”

The last time Fraser had been ‘in love,’ Ray had ended up shooting him. Love didn’t do good things to Fraser, love was dangerous when it was around Fraser. Ray lowered his voice, speaking through tightly clenched teeth. “The time frame’s not even half of it, Fraser.”

This wasn’t going how he’d planned at all. He noticed Fraser sinking in his seat and couldn’t bear to see the look on his face. He blew out his breath, “Jesus,” he hadn’t meant to hurt him but Fraser just wasn’t getting it. Ray knew how - love, for lack of a better word - worked. He knew you couldn’t choose when or where; least of all who. But Fraser had misunderstood everything he’d just said… There was no way Ray was going to come right out and say what he meant. Not without it sounding mean and crude and - and jealous. No way.

He’d have to get there bit by bit. Ask Fraser these questions and piece together the answers. Then maybe Ray wouldn’t have to embarrass himself by asking the one question that had been stuck in his mind ever since he’d found out. He scoffed quietly. Time frame. He couldn’t believe Fraser could be so dense as to think it was the time frame that was bothering him.

They weren’t going to get very far with him shouting. That’s one thing Ray learnt when he was growing up. Blow your fuse, vent away from people, return calm. It hadn’t gone exactly like that so far but it could still be saved.

A couple of deep breaths later and Ray was ready. He sat up straighter in his seat. No matter how hard he tried, he couldn’t hate the fact that Fraser was happy in love. And Ray was happy he was happy; he’d already told him that. Not face to face but still, he’d meant it just the same. But there were too many things Ray needed to know, important things like, “Wh-” His voice was scratchy and he cleared his throat before trying again. He avoided Fraser’s eyes as he murmured, “Just tell me again, why him - why…” He tightened his lips, “…Kowalski?”

[fraser-rcmp.livejournal.com]

Fraser frowned, looking more put off now than hurt. "What can’t I do, Ray?" Love a man? Love Ray? Love-- "This isn’t... He’s not Victoria..." He didn’t want to have to make a comment about not referring to the more obvious differences between Ray and Victoria, so he decided not to. Ray knew what he meant. He had to. He’d met her, got tangled up in her web right along with Fraser and dealt with the aftermath. "History isn’t always doomed to repeat itself, Ray."

There was no denying that when he fell, he fell hard. It didn’t happen often, and the last time it had, Fraser nearly did write it off as the last time. Up until that point, he never loved anyone nearly as much as he had loved Victoria, and the thought of finding anyone who even came remotely close to instilling that sort of feeling in him again seemed impossible. If he had found something like that again, he figured fear would keep him at bay. And it had. Fear kept him from pursuing what he wanted for three and a half years, and as impossible as it had seemed before, he’d found someone he cared for even more than Victoria.

Glancing over his shoulder towards Diefenbaker, the wolf was zoned out, in his own little world, but what else could you expect from a deaf wolf? Arguing means nothing to him if he hasn’t got the lips to read. Was it wrong to be a bit envious of him?

He shrugged to himself before turning back around to face forward, pushing his tongue to the corner of his mouth once Ray posed his next question. He’d been asked that one before, but it had been his Ray doing the asking. Insecurities getting the better of him as they had a tendency to do. Ray had asked and Fraser had answered. But that was entirely different. That was between Ray and himself and it hadn’t felt like a on the spot demand to justify his feelings. It hadn’t felt like he was being asked to explain himself due to some kind of betrayal of trust.

"I love him, Ray. What further explanation do you need?" He didn’t feel as though he had to justify himself beyond that point to anyone else, so he wasn’t going to. "I hardly doubt that what you really want is a fully detailed list which dictates every single minute aspect of what it is about him that makes me feel the way I do." Even if that was what he wanted, Fraser probably wouldn’t give it to him because none of it should have mattered to him. He was happy, Ray made him happy. That’s all that mattered. "He’s a good man, Ray... He loves me and we’re happy and that’s all that’s important. Why can't that be enough?"

[r-vecchio.livejournal.com]

It was already fairly obvious to Ray that Kowalski wasn’t Victoria but he knew that wasn’t what Fraser had meant. Not Victoria in the ‘Kowalski’s not a bitch’ kind of way. Yeah, that fit. And this relieved Ray, it really did but that didn’t stop his mind running away with him. “Be serious, you can’t be serious.” He risked a glance at Fraser, who stared defiantly back at him. I love him, Ray. He nodded his head, grimacing, and ran a hand over his jaw.

Why can’t that be enough? Ray scoffed bitterly in his head. The irony of that statement didn’t fail to amuse him. Why can’t that be enough?

Why couldn’t Ray have been enough?

Was that it? Had Kowalski been a better Vecchio than Ray? A better partner? A better friend? What was it about Kowalski that Ray didn’t have?

Too many questions flying around, none of which he could afford to let escape. He could just imagine Fraser’s face if he blurted it out: Why not me, Fraser? Why didn’t you fall for me?

Ray had always been solid in his sexuality and his thoughts had nothing to do with suddenly switching teams. But it stung when the guy pretending to be you ended up meaning more to your best friend than you ever did. Being the original meant nothing. Right now, Ray felt like the substitute. And it hurt.

So maybe he wasn’t going about this the best way he could. Maybe he shouldn’t have been so harsh. But to hell with acceptance. What Ray couldn’t accept was why he felt so outcast.

He pulled the car over, fitting nicely into the spot. The restaurant was a couple of blocks away but he figured they could do with the walk.

So he couldn’t ask the questions he really wanted the answers to. Maybe he could ignore the conversation all together.

Unbuckling his belt, he faced Fraser again, his face blank. “You coming?”

[fraser-rcmp.livejournal.com]

Pinching the bridge of his nose, Fraser groaned in frustration as Ray provided little to no reaction to anything he had just said. His jaw clenched, setting itself tight. Maybe it was for the best and perhaps he should have done it a bit sooner and kept his mouth shut.

A small part of him wanted to be angry at Ray, he was being stubborn and evasive and the entire situation had the inescapable tone that it had been something that Fraser had done which had brought on this behavior. But for the life of him, he couldn’t figure out what it was. He couldn’t be mad though, not really. He knew it was a lot to toss at somebody and simply expect them to be okay with it, but he wasn’t expecting that much. Of course, Fraser hadn’t actually been banking on a complete shutdown from Ray either, but that seems to be exactly what he’d been dealt.

He would have made an effort to apologize if he knew what he had to apologize for, but at current time, he was being made to feel guilty for being happy and attempting to be honest and open and he wasn’t the least bit sorry for any of that. Ray was closing himself off, and getting a read of the interior of a book was damn near impossible when the cover was bound shut. How could he be expected to fix something when he had no clue as to what the real problem was?

Pushing the car door open, Fraser grabbed his Stetson then slipped out of the Riv and was followed soon thereafter by Diefenbaker. He shut the door, affixing the hat to his head before stuffing his hands into the pockets of his coat. Fraser knew this was going to be the longest lunch hour ever. He just hoped all of Ray’s bottling didn’t result in a complete explosion in public.

[r-vecchio.livejournal.com]

Ray hit the sidewalk as Fraser was getting out the car. It was surprisingly busy for the afternoon but the chill was still in the air. Ray didn’t mind it so much now; he left his jacket open and his gloves in the Riv. He was cold, there was no denying that. Living in Florida for so long meant his body had become accustomed to the heat but he felt a strange affinity to the bitter weather here. His breath puffed out in little clouds of mist as he waited for Dief to rise from his slumber. He really felt like walking ahead. Just start walking and let Fraser catch up if he wanted but his feet stayed firmly planted to the spot. Instead, he simply turned his back.

He had no idea what he could say. Talking to Fraser had never been that difficult before. Sure, they were guys so they’d never really spoken often about feelings but when it came to the important stuff, Fraser had always been there. And vice versa. Victoria, Irene, too many times to mention. But what could he talk about now? Stella? The baby? Fraser hadn’t been there for any of it. It had been Ray, just Ray, alone, and he wasn’t really sure if he could strike up a conversation like that.

That left him with Chicago, the weather and his family. Right where he didn’t want to be.

With a look to the heavens and a small sigh that made his chest hurt from the cold air, he started walking.

[fraser-rcmp.livejournal.com]

Diefenbaker bounded around the car and after Ray, coming to a slow trot beside him once he caught up. After a moment, Fraser followed, hardly as exuberant as the wolf, but it took more than the promise of food to get that kind of reaction from him. Maybe he was just picky in that respect.

"I’m sorry, Ray. I won’t push the subject any further," he said in a hushed tone once he caught up. He didn’t know what else to say, if saying anything at all was actually the way to go. Nothing that he’d allowed out of his mouth thus far had seemed to go over all that well and he didn’t want to make matters worse than they already were. Then again, he suspected that keeping quiet wouldn’t solve anything in the long-run. Silence may have hid unwanted topics from audible range, but didn’t make them fully disappear from the mind.

In the end, though, silence won out. At least for the time being. After two failed attempts, Fraser would allow Ray the next hit-or-miss subject change. It wasn’t supposed to be this hard with him. Talking with him had always been easy. Always. Right from the beginning. And while they did have their squabbles and disagreements and days where Ray found Fraser so annoying that he didn’t want to be in the same car with him, in the end their friendship had survived. This instance wouldn’t turn out any differently...even if a lot of things were, in fact, different....

Fraser grumbled quietly to himself. It’ll be fine. Ray will come around. Eventually. And everything will be fine.

It had to be.

[r-vecchio.livejournal.com]

Ray could hear Fraser mumbling to himself as they walked along. He figured it beat talking aloud when there was no-one there, which Ray had caught him doing on more than a few occasions. But Fraser had explained that away; his father’s ghost had been the culprit. Just another secret Fraser had kept from him. Another time when he’d thought Ray hadn’t deserved to know, hadn’t been considered worthy of access to such personal knowledge. As he looked between the two of them (they didn’t even walk that close together anymore, like they had when they’d been partners) he wondered what else there was that Fraser didn’t want him to know.

When the silence had turned into an uncomfortable void, Ray said the first thing that came to his head. “I’m thinking about staying,” he waved a hand before shoving it in his pocket, “in Chicago, I mean.” He didn’t dare look at Fraser’s face. He had no idea how he would react and to be honest, he didn’t really want to know. Still, it was conversation and it was something they’d have to talk about sooner or later anyway. “Too many sunburnt tourists and plastic blondes in Florida, it’s…” He makes a noncommittal noise and scratches his cheek, “y’know, I like being home.”

He gazed across the street, at the buildings, the people, the cars. At the kids rushing past on rollerblades, and the old men and women whispering to each other in hushed tones. The way the garbage never quite fit into the cans and the roads always smelling of a mixture of asphalt and leaking oil and their uneven surfaces. He’s missed this. All of it. Florida was too false, too pretty. He liked the truth of the city and he was a part of that.

“I spoke to Welsh. He said my job’s waiting for me if I want it.” This time he did look at Fraser, needing to gauge his response. “And I do want it.”

[fraser-rcmp.livejournal.com]

"Oh?" Fraser quirked an eyebrow, watching his feet for a few paces as he walked and mindfully avoiding the seams of the pavement for some reason. Having Ray back in Chicago most definitely sounded appealing, but he’d be returning only because things hadn’t gone as planned down south. Florida, the bowling alley...Stella. The prospect of Ray remaining in Chicago really did make Fraser happy, but he felt a bit selfish because of it and wished his could have been under far less dismal circumstances.

Nodding gently, Fraser could easily empathize with Ray words. Home. The security, familiarity and overall feeling of belonging somewhere. Of course he knew what that had felt like. Ray was Chicago. He’d never been to Florida himself, but Fraser had never been able to wrap his mind completely around the idea of Ray melding in seamlessly among the other Floridians. A Marlins fan would only have to make a derogatory comment about the Cubs within earshot of Ray and that was just bound to bring the Chicago out in him. That’s what happened in the Mountie’s head anyway. He’d probably complain about the crust of his pizza being entirely too thin as well...

Fraser cleared his throat, the action purely done to mask a slight laugh before shaking his head.

"That’s great, Ray." Fraser smiled genuinely. It was great, hardly surprising, but great. Ray was an excellent cop, invaluable to the city he called home and once served. So of course his place at the 27th was secure. "You are going to take the offer, aren’t you?" Maybe it was too much to presume and there had been and unspoken 'but...' that had yet to be addressed.

[r-vecchio.livejournal.com]

“Yeah, Benny.” There was a sadness in his voice that he didn’t bother hiding. “I gotta take it.”

Ray wasn’t stupid. He knew opportunities like this came once in a lifetime and some people weren’t even lucky enough to get that. Welsh wouldn’t hold the place indefinitely but in all honesty, declining the offer had never even crossed Ray’s mind. The circumstances which would present themselves after he was back at the 2-7 were a different story altogether.

He dug his hands deeper in his pockets, unconsciously raising his shoulders as if braced for an attack he knew was coming. Inclining his head slightly towards Fraser as they walked, he sniffed and peered down at Dief. Looking at the wolf when he was talking to Fraser seemed easier somehow.

“It’s not gonna be the same though.” Still, he refused to cover the unhappiness in his words. He spoke, disheartened and quiet and sniffed again. “I know you’re-” swallowing hard, he continued, “partners now with Kowalski. I get that, Fraser.”

Guys weren’t supposed to get upset or talk about their feelings. But as Ray spoke, he could feel a tightness in his chest build, exactly like it had hundreds of times before when Fraser had done something whacked out and dangerous and had made Ray worry and call him an idiot. But he wasn’t worried about Fraser now. It was something inside him letting him know that’ll he’ll never have to feel that same anxiety again. Because it was some other guys job to worry now, Kowalski’s job since Ray was no longer Fraser’s partner. It was supposed to be a good thing, maybe Ray’s stress levels could finally drop to a reasonable level but then why did he feel so bad? Why, when he thought of himself at the 27th, back as a cop, couldn’t he handle the thought of not being Fraser’s partner? Of Fraser being someone else’s partner? Of having to watch while Kowalski no longer played the part of Fraser’s partner but was the part. The part that Ray had given up.

He bit the inside of his cheek. “I’ve heard he’s a good cop.” Unofficial liaising meant nothing. Doesn’t matter if Fraser was Kowalski’s unofficial partner or not. It still meant Fraser only had enough room for one Ray.

[fraser-rcmp.livejournal.com]

"He is. An excellent cop, in fact," he said, offering a small, somewhat hesitant smile. "His predecessor was quite the officer himself. Those individuals responsible for organizing his integration into the 27th would hardly hire a lesser caliber of detective than the one they were sending away."

Pulling a hand from his pocket, he rubbed the back of his neck idly. He couldn’t help but feel bad, sensing the fact that Ray had obviously felt putout by Fraser’s partnership with the man that was supposed to have been brought in as a temporary replacement. The last thing Fraser wanted was for Ray to feel as though he were a foreigner in his own life, the one before Armando Langoustini.

"Perhaps you and Ray should..." What? Continue mildly disliking each other for whatever the reasoning is? He really had yet to understand why they didn’t get along. They had more in common than either one seemed to be willing to acknowledge. Maybe there in lied the problem. Unfortunately, being incredibly stubborn was one of those shared traits. "Neither partnership has even been official, and you can hardly deny the logic behind two detectives who work at the same district...and for the same Country being paired up." Detectives Dewey and Huey could contest to that.

"I mean...," he sighed, honestly not knowing what he meant or what he was suggesting. "It isn’t that far-fetched a notion." In the end, though, he suspected that the decision belonged to lieutenant Welsh. Both Ray Vecchio and Ray Kowalski were his detectives, so their fate really was in his hands.

[r-vecchio.livejournal.com]

Ray would have scoffed if his nose hadn’t been so cold. “Us three working together? Him and me working together when he and you are-” He laughed harshly, he couldn’t help it. Fraser couldn’t be serious. He really expected Ray to just buddy up with Kowalski, work with him every day in the same goddamn precinct, watch his back and keep his mouth shut. It was ludicrous.

“I can’t believe you.” He muttered as he shouldered his way through the small crowd of people waiting outside a coffee shop, leaving Fraser in his wake. Belardies’ was only a few of doors away now. Stuffing his fists deeper in his pockets, he strode towards the restaurant, and pushed his way through the entrance as a couple were leaving. He shrugged off their protests and stamped his feet. Him and Kowalski working together. Was Fraser insane? Ray was supposed to have come back to Chicago where his job and his partner should have been waiting for him. Him. Then he found out both had been taken by a guy Ray couldn’t stand. And now, now Fraser’s telling him they could work together, share the job and share Fraser. Ray had never been good at sharing.

He didn’t even wait for the waiter to approach before heading straight towards their usual table. He sat down heavily in his seat and grabbed the menu, despite knowing it almost by heart and sought little comfort in the fact that some things in his life hadn’t changed.

[fraser-rcmp.livejournal.com]

Oh dear.

Fraser was was beginning to hate the overwhelmingly apparent theme of the day: Open your mouth and you'll only anger him further.

Nothing he's said thus far had seemed to fly over all that well and it was more than a little disheartening. Had he been someone other than Benton Fraser, he may have lashed out verbally at Ray's complete un-receptiveness. He'd made a suggestion, acknowledging the situation for what it was, something that lieutenant Welsh was bound to do as well. Two Chicago Detectives, one Mountie. The problem seemed to work itself out. Or, it did as long as the person staring at the equation wasn't completely stubborn.

Then again, maybe Fraser was just hoping for an easy way out. If Welsh did, in fact, partner both Ray's up, then he'd be absolutely guilt free. He wouldn't have to worry about being partnered with one of them while the other was set up with God knows who.

Ray had vanished into the building while Fraser was lost in his own mind, a high-pitched bark coming from the wolf at his feet snapping his out of it. First Ray, now Diefenbaker? He was batting 0 for 2 today.

"Yes, I'm quite aware of that, thank you for your concern."

He answered the wolf in an agitated tone as he approached the restaurant. At least inside he'd only be subjected to dealing with Ray while Dief was forced to wait outside. Maybe it was a bit childish, but leaving him out there made Fraser feel a bit better, like he'd won or something. It was pretty short lived, though.

Removing his hat, Fraser found his way to the table that Ray had laid claim to and slid into the seat across from him. He shook his head lightly while Ray buried his face in his menu unnecessarily. This was ridiculous...

"Don't you think you're being a bit...unreasonable?" There. He'd said it. Ray seemed to get angry at anything Fraser's already said, so why bother trying to avoid it anymore? He'd already thrown two tantrums, so what's one more? "You seemed to have all these negative feelings towards Ray for no particular reason. Well, no reasons that you've properly expressed. I wasn't suggesting that you work with my boyfriend...," he paused, feeling his cheeks flush a bit. He knew Ray wasn't comfortable with the idea of them being together, so if he had to make a separation between Ray's (his) personal and business life, then so be it. He was used to that, anyway. It wasn't like they walked the busy halls of the 27th holding hands, flaunting their relationship and carrying on like they would away from work. "I was suggesting that you work with an accomplished Detective, not unlike yourself."

And there was nothing wrong with that. He wasn't budging on this one.

[r-vecchio.livejournal.com]

That was it. Ray had bitten his tongue for as long as he possibly could. If it’d been up to him, they wouldn’t have continued this conversation when they got to the restaurant because it really wasn’t the sort of place Ray where wanted to talk to Fraser about it. But Fraser just kept pushing and Ray was pretty sure it was ‘boyfriend’ that forced him over the edge.

He dropped the menu carelessly onto the table top, placing the palm of his hands directly over it. This time, he let the anger and hurt, because he was hurting, rise to the surface. Maybe it was something about Italians and unruly emotions, but he wasn’t about to hold back. Fraser wanted to know about his ‘negative feelings’, then fine. Ray liked to give Fraser what he wanted.

“You say I’m unreasonable and then you give me ‘not unlike yourself,’” he mimicked, his steady voice becoming louder and slightly ragged. He shoved the menu away, leaning back in his seat, and shook his head in disbelief. He felt trapped here.

“Not unlike myself?” he spat, feeling his frustration reach an unbearable level. “That’s the fucking problem, Fraser!” He shouted it, right at Fraser’s face before scrambling out from behind the table and spinning back around. People were staring but Ray couldn’t care less.

“You don’t see!” Everyone Ray had spoken to, since coming back from Vegas, had told him that Kowalski and he were similar and it hadn’t really bothered him. He just figured it was a lucky match for undercover work. Until now. Until he’d found out his best friend had fallen for the guy ‘not unlike’ himself.

“Jesus Christ!” Ray’s fists curled into balls and his head was shaking vigorously. “Tell me again, Fraser, why Kowalski?! Why’d it have to be him? Why’d you fall for him after I’d gone?!”

Ray couldn’t make it any clearer. His voice had gotten about as loud as it could get and he was lost in a whirlwind of thoughts and feelings, not one of them good. He didn’t even notice the restaurant anymore; it was just him and Fraser and everything he’d been keeping inside.

“What is it about him, huh?” Ray stared right at Fraser, his eyes wide. “What is there about him?!” Every question was punctuated by a violent point in the general direction of the entrance where they had come in. In the general direction of outside, of Chicago, and finally Kowalski.

“What does he have that I-”

He stopped himself at the last second, his eyes widening even further. He blinked, his mouth hung open, the sudden silence strange, in direct contrast to his angry outburst. Staring hard at Fraser’s shoulder for a moment, he lowered his arm as well as his head. He didn’t dare look Fraser in the eye. Turning around, he could feel everybody’s gaze upon him but he simply shrugged it off. He really didn’t care. He headed straight to the back of the restaurant, past the curious customers, and towards the men’s bathroom.

[fraser-rcmp.livejournal.com]

Fraser would have called after him, but he felt as though the other patrons of the restaurant had already been subjected to more than enough. With a quiet, discontent groan, Fraser slumped forward, his forehead hitting the table with a thunk. The collar of his surge was just about choking him in this position, but in the moment he didn't care. He could feel himself go beet red, knowing well and good there were more sets of eyes on him than he was comfortable with. Staring at the tablecloth seemed much better than looking around, giving all those sets of eyes matching faces.

Ray had spat question after question at him with barely a pause for breath in between to allow Fraser to even attempt answering them. Not that he could have had there actually been sufficient time. A wide-eyed deer in headlights isn't really good for anything but awaiting the blow of the oncoming truck.

He sat there for a while, collecting himself and feeling a slight sense of relief once the normal level of sound had returned to the dining area. The sound of the normal, constant mumble of conversation was back, rather than the pin-drop silence when all eyes were on he and Ray. Still, he kept his head down, thinking, the words of Ray's final question lodged in his head. He'd never finished the question, really, but Fraser was bright enough to fill in the blank.

What did Ray Kowalski had that Ray Vecchio didn't...

Even in it's incomplete form, the question just seemed...strange to Fraser. It implied way more than Fraser was comfortable with, way more than he ever figure Ray would be comfortable with. It implied a kind of jealousy and that...that was odd.

Lifting his head off of the table, he brought his menu up with him accidentally. Swatting it off his forehead quickly, he sighed before sliding out of his seat and retreating in the same direction that Ray had disappeared in and he couldn't have been more relieve to get away. There was no way he'd be able to eat there now. That day or any other. Honestly, the entire dining room probably thought the pair were in the midst of some terrible lovers quarrel...and the thought of that made Fraser go red again. He was doing great...

Reaching the washroom door, he knocked politely. "Ray? I don't mean to intrude in the off chance that you have actually retreated in order to relieve yourself and not because of...that" He didn't have a better word for the display that had just taken place, so 'that' would have to suffice. "But I'm...sorry. Actually, I'm a bit more confused than I am sorry but an apology never hurt..." Even if everything else he's said today has. Asking Ray straight out if he were jealous of his Ray probably wasn't the best route to take either.

Sighing once again, he leaned back against the wall and fiddled with the brim of his Stetson. How was it that complimenting someone for being an good cop led to this? Only in his life, he supposed.

[r-vecchio.livejournal.com]

Ray was bent over the basin when Fraser knocked on the door. The tap was running, and he had already slapped four handfuls of ice cold water into his face, the droplets still dripping from his nose and chin straight onto his shirt. The collar was wet by now, the heat creeping up his neck, from his shame and embarrassment, quickly warming the damp material.

He glanced at himself in the mirror for only a second, averting his eyes immediately and staring down the drain as the water washed away. He shook his head slightly when he heard Fraser apologize, and shut his eyes. There was no way on earth that he could explain himself to Fraser now. He should have known when to shut up instead of losing his cool like…that.

And now Fraser was going to be thinking all the wrong things. Or rather, the right things but in the wrong way. And Ray still had no answers.

But he couldn’t stay locked up in the washroom. Silent. For ever. As nice as that sounded right now.

Wiping the water swiftly off his forehead and mouth, he straightened his jacket and wiggled his shoulders, taking a deep breath. He released it sharply and turned towards the door, swiping his hands on his pants. It was going to be hard to walk back out there and face Fraser again.

He eyed the door nervously, standing about a foot away from it.

“I’m not gay, Fraser,” he called out, his jaw clenched tightly. It would probably be best to clear up any misunderstandings right away.

[fraser-rcmp.livejournal.com]

"Oh." Well, thank God for that. "Uh, I just... I mean when you asked what--" Maybe he should have just stopped at 'oh'. "But since I am you're wondering why him and not you?" He could have went ahead and made it clear to Ray that he himself wasn't, in fact, gay, not strictly speaking, but given the current sensitivity of the situation and the fact that, yes, at present time he was with a man, he figured it best not to nitpick.

Ray wasn't gay. Great. That was...just great, but it sort of left him right back where he started, without any idea as to how to fix any of this. He just wanted things to be normal again; now, if it wasn't too much to ask. Normal as in not having to chase Ray to the restroom because he blew a fuse during lunch. If this was the new norm, then he could honestly say that he hated it. The old version of normal didn't usually involve conversing with a door between them, but Ray did seem calmer while on the other side so maybe it was for the best.

"It's not him you're angry at. It's me." Fraser frowned some, shifting his back against the wall slightly. "You went away and you knew that you would be replaced at the 27th, at work...but now you feel as though you've been replaced elsewhere."

He spun his hat idly, sighing heavily before dropping his head and staring at his boots. "You're two different people, Ray. Yes, there are more than a few notable similarities, but...you're you and he's him and I'm sorry if you've felt like you've been demoted to second best, but I assure you that isn't the case."

His Ray may have fooled the rest of Chicago, but there was only one Ray Vecchio and he wasn't it. Fraser feel in love with Ray Kowalski, not just some guy who was pretending to be the other Ray.

[r-vecchio.livejournal.com]

Ray sighed, long and low, groaning quietly as he ran his hands over his head. It didn’t matter how many times Fraser, or anybody else, told him that he was him, and Kowalski was Kowalski so how could anyone compare?

Because it still remained that he did feel compared and the fact that Fraser ended up feeling more for Kowalski than he ever did for Ray just proved that point undoubtedly. Ray didn’t think his problem with Fraser being with a guy was too big for him to overcome - he got the whole love thing, he understood it. But it was all the other stuff that comes with loving someone. The friendship, the trust, being the person that the other one comes too when they need to talk or just want to hang out. That was what Ray was thinking he’d lost.

Why would Fraser need Ray when he had Kowalski now, to be his best friend, the one he trusted, the one he wanted to hang out with or grab dinner with? At least when Fraser had been having trouble with women, Ray could be there for him, to cheer him up, be his friend. But Fraser had the 2 for 1 package now. Everything he needed in one Polish guy. Best friend and lover; the former being a title Ray really didn’t want to give up but feeling like he’d lost it already.

He wanted to yell some more, to demand to know why it hadn’t been him. He was sick of hearing why it was Kowalski, he’s a good cop, I love him, isn’t that enough? All he really wanted to know was if Fraser preferred Kowalski as his best friend. But Ray was too afraid to ask, in case he got the answer he didn’t want. He doubted Fraser would give him a straight answer anyway. Not being demoted to second place didn’t tell Ray much as he was pretty sure it was impossible to have two first places, but it was Fraser so who knew with him?

But asking him which Ray he liked more as a buddy wasn’t something Ray could do, simply because he knew how unfair it was. Didn’t stop him from wanting to find out though, from screaming the question over and over in his head until it ached.

He hadn’t replied to Fraser yet, which was pretty dumb in Ray’s opinion. So he walked slowly over to the washroom door, his shoulders slightly slumped, and pulled it open. He could see the red of Fraser’s serge at the edge of his vision.

“I’m pissed at you, yeah,” Ray told the buttons on Fraser’s uniform before looking up at him. “But I’m bein’ a jerk.”

[fraser-rcmp.livejournal.com]

Fraser would have disagreed with Ray's opinion of his behavior if it hadn't been for the fact that he completely agreed. Disagreeing would have been a lie, agreeing probably wouldn't help the situation any, so, he decides silence is the best solution. At the very least, it's the one that results in the least amount of arguing.

So, Ray was angry with him. That wasn't really anything all that new to him, but at least all those other times had been...somewhat justified. Usually it had something to do with Fraser being annoying or risking their lives in insane ways or being annoying while risking their lives in insane ways. But this wasn't anything like that. This was Ray making himself feel as though he'd been replaced or bumped down a spot or whatever the case was because, honestly, Fraser still didn't understand it entirely.

Ray had always been his best friend and that wasn't going to change in Fraser's mind. It was that simple. At least, it was to him. But apparently Ray was less than confident of the fact.

Rubbing the back of his neck again, Fraser pushed away from the wall and signed. "You're my friend, Ray, my best friend. That's what you were before you went undercover and that's what you are now. Ray...the other Ray, hasn't seized ownership of that title in your absence. It's not a winner-by-default type of thing."

[r-vecchio.livejournal.com]

Ray blinked dumbly at Fraser. Had he just said all that stuff out loud? Everything about feeling shafted and stupid and calling Kowalski a Polack? …Fraser didn’t look annoyed though…he kind of looked tired, but sincere. And he’d just answered one of Ray’s vital questions without him even having to ask it. Maybe knowing that Fraser still thought of him as his best friend meant he didn’t really need to ask anything else.

“Really?” His grin was somewhat childish. Hearing him say it reminded Ray of the first time Fraser had told him that. It had surprised him then and to be honest, it surprised him now. Not because he thought Fraser was lying or anything, but purely because of the way Ray has been acting. That was not how best friends were supposed to act. At all. So if Fraser had turned around and told him the complete opposite, he figured he wouldn’t be able to blame the guy.

“I mean, yeah,” he cleared his throat, “okay.” He waited a moment before swinging his shoulder towards Fraser, feeling a little embarrassed. “You’re my best friend too, Benny.”

Fraser had been Ray’s best friend way before he’d gone undercover. In fact, pretty much as soon as they’d starting working together and hanging out, when he’d first arrived in Chicago. And he was sure as hell still Ray’s best friend now so when he thought about it that way, nothing between them had actually changed. Which was probably what Fraser had been trying to say.

Ray had the strangest urge to bang his head repeatedly against the washroom wall.

“Uh, so…” He grimaced. Great, everyone had heard him shouting so there was no way they could eat there now. He slung an arm around Fraser’s shoulder. “You wanna find someplace else to grab lunch?”