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Oh God! I can't do it!


sws

[private entry]

'Why you pushing this, Ray?'

'You blame me for wanting to try and sort this out. Sort us out?'

'I don't blame you for anything.'

'Yeah, you're making that real clear, Stel.'

'Oh, grow up, Ray. I don't like talking to you when you're like this.'


I wrote that down the day after I got this journal. I dunno why anyone in their right mind would want to record an argument like that but maybe that was it, maybe I wasn't in my right mind. Or maybe that's just my mind, period... It feels so long ago. 2006, the year everything went down the toilet. Job, family, relationship, friendships even, nearly. It's weird but reading that brings it all back; it's like I can see Stella right in front of me. In the kitchen of the condo, with this wall building up between us, this wall I can practically reach out and touch, that I can't stop, or don't know how to stop. It just grew. I'd yell at her for not talking to me, for not telling me stuff, like how she felt after everything 'cause I was so lost in it all, and all the time it was this wall that just blocked out communication. A wall I'd had a big hand in building. It wasn't her fault. Now I'm scared because I don't think I know how to stop it now either. We had that argument for the first time nearly four years ago. I've forgotten most of the ones we had but look at that. Look at it. I pushed her too far. And every day I'd see her shutting down a little bit more and I still didn't stop. I'd think I was helping or trying to make things better but I wasn't. Obviously, I wasn't. So why didn't I stop? It's not just Stella. It's happening with Asher right now, I can feel it. Ynez, Ren, even Angie to some extent, they all wanted stuff from me I couldn't give, so what did I do? I shut down, pushed them away. Turned into a complete coward and convinced myself it wasn't me. Now I've turned around and started doing exactly that to Asher, wanting stuff that he can't give. And up goes that wall and I have the audacity to be shocked? By something I should be able to see coming a mile off. Shit. I'm the common denominator in all of it. Me. The evidence is right there - why are you pushing this? I don't like talking to you when you're like this. Neither does Asher, clearly. God...I don't know what part of me it is that I need to change. I don't know what makes me do that, I don't know anything except that I've already driven four people away. I don't wanna drive away him. The feelings I got now are completely different to anything I felt before but there's nothing to tell me if that's a good thing or not. It's ridiculous. It's, I mean, we've only been in the same room together less than...thirty days, maybe. Probably fewer. But apparently, that doesn't stop me from following the same pattern. I keep thinking I know how to change, I keep trying to convince Asher that I have and he must know me better than I know myself 'cause he can tell I haven't. I dunno why I'm surprised. My Pop couldn't change a bone in his body, so why do I keep thinking I can? I want to, I want to but I don't know how. I don't know how to act differently and still be myself, I don't want to push him away, I don't wanna pull away, I don't want the wall to climb higher. I can barely see over it as it is. Stella was right, I need to grow up but...how? I know I don't have Asher but I still don't wanna lose him. The pattern says I'm gonna.