Happy Christmas
Dec. 18th, 2006 02:45 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
r_vecchioRay hadn’t cried in a long, long time. It had come so easy back then, like someone had stuck a hose pipe in his chest and turned on the tap. He wasn’t ashamed to admit it. He’d stood beside Stella’s bed, watching her lie there, until she had sighed and demanded he leave. That’s when it had started. A couple of hours after they’d heard the news.
He’d never really seen Stella when she’d been in hospital after that. Some days she’d even requested that the nurses don’t let him into her room. A little under two weeks she was kept in for observation, longer than most similar cases, and the times when he wasn’t allowed to see her, he’d sit outside in the Chevy and think. And it was then that his thoughts and feelings used to tumble out.
And now, just over five months since it had all begun, he was dangerously close to letting those emotions loose again.
He was sat at the kitchen table, the phone receiver still in his hand. The low, thrumming dialling tone was faint and seemed crackly, as if from a distance. Stella had rung off, probably dropped the phone back in her purse and continued with her day.
When she had called him, he’d been more than surprised. He hadn’t known what to say at first, just listened to her talk, taking nothing in. Eight weeks of silence. To shatter that with one phone call; it was enough to knock Ray speechless. When he regained control of his brain, introduced it to his ears, he was finally able to hear what she was saying.
“…certificates. I’ve sorted them out, they only needed one signature because h- They only needed my signature. And confirmation from the hospital. I’ve also organized a plaque, that should be ready within a couple of days.” She sighed. “I didn’t know whether you’d want to know but I thought I’d call anyway. I have to go no-”
“Woah, woah, wait, what? You’ve what?”
“I’ve done it all. You don’t need to worry about it.”
“What?” Ray frowned, and continued pacing around the kitchen. “Certificates? Plaques? I got no idea what you’re talkin’ about, Stel.”
There was a long pause before Stella returned to the line.
“Birth and death certificates. They needed to be filed a while ago. The hospital called me and told me I could have a plaque made…It’s all done.”
Ray stopped halfway back to the refrigerator and blinked at the cupboard door. There was a silence that seemed to last a lifetime.
“And when were you planning on including me in this?” His voice was sharp and he took a deep breath, letting the air calm the feelings rising in his chest.
More silence. “I’ve told you now, Ray.” Her voice matched his own, but somehow she always seemed to be able to inflict an annoyance in her tone.
Ray didn’t even bother to point out the fact that telling him after she’d done it all was beside the point.
“What did you havta do?”
Stella sighed again and Ray heard rustling on her end. “I haven’t got time for this right now. I’m in court in…an hour, Ray. I have to go.”
“No.” Ray’d had enough of Stella brushing him off like that. He’d had to wait two months for her to even call him. He wasn’t about to let her hang up after two minutes.
“You’re gonna stay here and you are gonna tell me about this, Stella. You gotta.” His anger was easily noticeable. “So start talking, okay. Talk to me.”
“Ra-” She seemed to contemplate it for a second before clearing her throat, resigned. “What do you want to know?” She made it clear that she wasn’t happy about doing this, here, now, at all.
“Everything. What- I mean, what did you do. The certificates. What did you havta do?”
“Fill in names. His, yours, mine. That’s it.”
Ray gaped at the floor. His name? They hadn’t even decided on a name for him yet. How could she fill in the paperwork when they hadn’t chosen one together? He shifted on his feet, speaking carefully.
“And what did you put?”
“His name. My name. Your name. I just told you. Don’t worry,” she said sharply, “I put you down as the father.”
Ray felt a stabbing pang in his gut and swallowed dryly. “…And his name? How could you write that? We hadn’t even-”
“I handled it. It’s over now.”
“Stella-” His voice was low and dark, as he forced out the words. “What did you write?”
“…Ray-”
“What did you write, Stella?”
“It’s really not-”
“What the fuck did you write down?!”
“…Ethan Kowalski…”
Ray had to clench his teeth to stop the ache from overwhelming him. It hit him like a ten ton truck, full force, head on. His breathing became a little ragged and he clung to the phone, squeezing it until the blood in his hand began to boil.
Ethan Kowalski.
His skin felt tight across his face, like it was being pulled in two different directions.
Kowalski? Stella had called his son Ethan Kowalski.
Ray tried hard to keep his voice level, but he could feel his breaths waver as his throat constricted.
“Kowalski?” He couldn’t understand it. He had no coherent thoughts, no way to explain his confusion. “But I was his father,” he said simply, quietly, the anger making it sound hard and gravelly.
“I’m not disputing that fact.” She stated it, like it was the most evident thing in the world.
“Then how could you-”
“We never married.”
“You’re not married to him anymore either!”
“I kept the name.”
“Fuck, Stella. That’s not-” Each word was accompanied by a rough pant. “That’s not his name, Stel.” There was a hint of desperation hidden beneath the rage.
Ray had vetoed Ethan right away. It was too upper-class for him, too chic. Stella had liked it but they had agreed that they should choose the name together to make sure they were both happy with it. That was before they lost him. He’d never been named. Not by the both of them. And now Stella was telling him she’d gone ahead and called him Ethan Kowalski. When did Ray fit into any of it?
“Well, one of us had to do it. And you weren’t here.” She sounded tough. To the point. Was she really not feeling anything here?
“…So you’re punishing me for leaving?!”
“I’m not punishing anyone. I’m telling you the facts. One of us had to name him. So I did. Birth certificate. Death certificate. Plaque. It’s not a big deal, Ray.”
“Not a big deal?!” Ray hadn’t moved since she’d mentioned the signatures. But now he swung around, slamming the palm of his free hand into the stone wall. It was jagged and it certainly wasn’t comfortable but it didn’t draw any blood. “That not his name!”
“I didn’t call to argue, Ray.” She slipped easily into her lawyer mode. “As far as I am concerned, and everybody else for that matter, his name was Ethan Kowalski. I have to go.” Only a beat of silence went by this time before Stella spoke up again, as if his words had had no affect on her at all. “Happy Christmas.”
“Stella!” Ray was yelling down the phone by now, his hand grasping the cool stone in a deathly grip. “Do not hang up! That’s not his name! Stella?! Tha- Stel?!”
He received nothing in return save the dialling tone.
And so he’d sat at the table, and stared at the phone. He was trying to keep what he was feeling inside, lock it down, but the more he stared, the more he felt like he was back in the Chevy, sitting outside the hospital, having his heart ripped to pieces. He shook slightly at the memory. And the shock.
Happy Christmas.
Ray bit his lip. That was her present to him. She’d chosen his son’s name. That wasn’t his name.
Joseph Raymond Vecchio.
That was his name.
But only to Ray. So now everyone knew his son to be a Kowalski.
He rubbed at his eyes when they began to sting, dropping the receiver carelessly onto the table. He closed them when the burn got too much, a bitter smile gracing his salty lips.
His life, his partner, his heart, his son.
What else did he have left to lose to a Kowalski?
It was a vague notion that soon got washed away as he bowed his head, letting the confines of his mind give way, one more time, to a flood of feeling.
He’d never really seen Stella when she’d been in hospital after that. Some days she’d even requested that the nurses don’t let him into her room. A little under two weeks she was kept in for observation, longer than most similar cases, and the times when he wasn’t allowed to see her, he’d sit outside in the Chevy and think. And it was then that his thoughts and feelings used to tumble out.
And now, just over five months since it had all begun, he was dangerously close to letting those emotions loose again.
He was sat at the kitchen table, the phone receiver still in his hand. The low, thrumming dialling tone was faint and seemed crackly, as if from a distance. Stella had rung off, probably dropped the phone back in her purse and continued with her day.
When she had called him, he’d been more than surprised. He hadn’t known what to say at first, just listened to her talk, taking nothing in. Eight weeks of silence. To shatter that with one phone call; it was enough to knock Ray speechless. When he regained control of his brain, introduced it to his ears, he was finally able to hear what she was saying.
“…certificates. I’ve sorted them out, they only needed one signature because h- They only needed my signature. And confirmation from the hospital. I’ve also organized a plaque, that should be ready within a couple of days.” She sighed. “I didn’t know whether you’d want to know but I thought I’d call anyway. I have to go no-”
“Woah, woah, wait, what? You’ve what?”
“I’ve done it all. You don’t need to worry about it.”
“What?” Ray frowned, and continued pacing around the kitchen. “Certificates? Plaques? I got no idea what you’re talkin’ about, Stel.”
There was a long pause before Stella returned to the line.
“Birth and death certificates. They needed to be filed a while ago. The hospital called me and told me I could have a plaque made…It’s all done.”
Ray stopped halfway back to the refrigerator and blinked at the cupboard door. There was a silence that seemed to last a lifetime.
“And when were you planning on including me in this?” His voice was sharp and he took a deep breath, letting the air calm the feelings rising in his chest.
More silence. “I’ve told you now, Ray.” Her voice matched his own, but somehow she always seemed to be able to inflict an annoyance in her tone.
Ray didn’t even bother to point out the fact that telling him after she’d done it all was beside the point.
“What did you havta do?”
Stella sighed again and Ray heard rustling on her end. “I haven’t got time for this right now. I’m in court in…an hour, Ray. I have to go.”
“No.” Ray’d had enough of Stella brushing him off like that. He’d had to wait two months for her to even call him. He wasn’t about to let her hang up after two minutes.
“You’re gonna stay here and you are gonna tell me about this, Stella. You gotta.” His anger was easily noticeable. “So start talking, okay. Talk to me.”
“Ra-” She seemed to contemplate it for a second before clearing her throat, resigned. “What do you want to know?” She made it clear that she wasn’t happy about doing this, here, now, at all.
“Everything. What- I mean, what did you do. The certificates. What did you havta do?”
“Fill in names. His, yours, mine. That’s it.”
Ray gaped at the floor. His name? They hadn’t even decided on a name for him yet. How could she fill in the paperwork when they hadn’t chosen one together? He shifted on his feet, speaking carefully.
“And what did you put?”
“His name. My name. Your name. I just told you. Don’t worry,” she said sharply, “I put you down as the father.”
Ray felt a stabbing pang in his gut and swallowed dryly. “…And his name? How could you write that? We hadn’t even-”
“I handled it. It’s over now.”
“Stella-” His voice was low and dark, as he forced out the words. “What did you write?”
“…Ray-”
“What did you write, Stella?”
“It’s really not-”
“What the fuck did you write down?!”
“…Ethan Kowalski…”
Ray had to clench his teeth to stop the ache from overwhelming him. It hit him like a ten ton truck, full force, head on. His breathing became a little ragged and he clung to the phone, squeezing it until the blood in his hand began to boil.
Ethan Kowalski.
His skin felt tight across his face, like it was being pulled in two different directions.
Kowalski? Stella had called his son Ethan Kowalski.
Ray tried hard to keep his voice level, but he could feel his breaths waver as his throat constricted.
“Kowalski?” He couldn’t understand it. He had no coherent thoughts, no way to explain his confusion. “But I was his father,” he said simply, quietly, the anger making it sound hard and gravelly.
“I’m not disputing that fact.” She stated it, like it was the most evident thing in the world.
“Then how could you-”
“We never married.”
“You’re not married to him anymore either!”
“I kept the name.”
“Fuck, Stella. That’s not-” Each word was accompanied by a rough pant. “That’s not his name, Stel.” There was a hint of desperation hidden beneath the rage.
Ray had vetoed Ethan right away. It was too upper-class for him, too chic. Stella had liked it but they had agreed that they should choose the name together to make sure they were both happy with it. That was before they lost him. He’d never been named. Not by the both of them. And now Stella was telling him she’d gone ahead and called him Ethan Kowalski. When did Ray fit into any of it?
“Well, one of us had to do it. And you weren’t here.” She sounded tough. To the point. Was she really not feeling anything here?
“…So you’re punishing me for leaving?!”
“I’m not punishing anyone. I’m telling you the facts. One of us had to name him. So I did. Birth certificate. Death certificate. Plaque. It’s not a big deal, Ray.”
“Not a big deal?!” Ray hadn’t moved since she’d mentioned the signatures. But now he swung around, slamming the palm of his free hand into the stone wall. It was jagged and it certainly wasn’t comfortable but it didn’t draw any blood. “That not his name!”
“I didn’t call to argue, Ray.” She slipped easily into her lawyer mode. “As far as I am concerned, and everybody else for that matter, his name was Ethan Kowalski. I have to go.” Only a beat of silence went by this time before Stella spoke up again, as if his words had had no affect on her at all. “Happy Christmas.”
“Stella!” Ray was yelling down the phone by now, his hand grasping the cool stone in a deathly grip. “Do not hang up! That’s not his name! Stella?! Tha- Stel?!”
He received nothing in return save the dialling tone.
And so he’d sat at the table, and stared at the phone. He was trying to keep what he was feeling inside, lock it down, but the more he stared, the more he felt like he was back in the Chevy, sitting outside the hospital, having his heart ripped to pieces. He shook slightly at the memory. And the shock.
Happy Christmas.
Ray bit his lip. That was her present to him. She’d chosen his son’s name. That wasn’t his name.
Joseph Raymond Vecchio.
That was his name.
But only to Ray. So now everyone knew his son to be a Kowalski.
He rubbed at his eyes when they began to sting, dropping the receiver carelessly onto the table. He closed them when the burn got too much, a bitter smile gracing his salty lips.
His life, his partner, his heart, his son.
What else did he have left to lose to a Kowalski?
It was a vague notion that soon got washed away as he bowed his head, letting the confines of his mind give way, one more time, to a flood of feeling.
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no subject
Date: 2006-12-18 05:09 pm (UTC)ooc
Date: 2006-12-18 05:31 pm (UTC)YAY! CONGRATULATIONS!!!!! I'm so happy for you! And proud! Wheeee!!! This is so exciting!!! Next time we see each other, we'll be in
Batman capesgowns!!!OH MY GOD, this is great news! Well done!!!
OOC
Date: 2006-12-18 11:47 pm (UTC)What else did he have left to lose to a Kowalski?
*hugs Ray tightly*
You pick good names, though. Ethan and Joseph are both names I've thought would be good to name my own child
not that that's gonna happen. Not with my soon to be ex-husband anyway...Let me know exactly how he died (during birth or after?) and other such details. Going to set up Stella's journal tomorrow. Would do tonight, but I'm cold and am going to soak in a hot bath before bed to warm up with
some porna dS zine ;PRe: OOC
Date: 2006-12-23 11:21 pm (UTC)If that was Ren hugging Ray, then I bet Ray would hug him back!!!!Thanks. Ray doesn't much care for Ethan though... *shrugs* I think it's a good name. But meh, he wanted Joseph (Guiseppe in Italian). Stubborn muse.
Um, is that a good thing? The soon to be ex husband thing? I guess it is since you'd be able to marry Turnbull!!Okay *thinks* Backstory, okay.
So, bear with me here, my coherence tends to get a little screwed when I'm thinking of loads of things at once!
Stel went into premature labour at 28 weeks, so that's...7 months. The docs thought they'd be able to stop the labour with drugs but alas, no. There were complications with the birth (ive never really gone into detail with this but in my head i had going something like this: the baby was in the breach position so he was coming out upside down. No-one worried about it too much though as Stel was healthy. But the labour lasted for hours and hours literally and Stel got more and more tired, really traumatic for the baby and her. Once out, the baby was whisked away for treatment as he was underdeveloped and wasn't reacting properly, wasn't screaming etc, and he died a couple of hours later before either Ray or Stella got to hold him. If you wanna change any of the scienctific bit though, go ahead, just let me know. The 'he died a couple of hours later before either Ray or Stella got to hold him' bit has already been mentioned though, if a Ray post.
Stel didn't want to go and see him, asked Ray not to go either. Ray agreed because he didnt want to upset Stel but no he really, really regrets it. Have never mentioned what happened to the baby's body, I'm guessing buried somewhere in Florida or they flew somewhere to bury him? Or, I dunno, maybe on the hospital grounds? It's never come up so I haven't really thought about it. This all happened roughly 5 months ago..which means *checks date* he would've been conceived right about now a year ago!!!! AWWW! Probably Christmas day! lololol.
It was an unexpected pregnancy quite early in their realtionship but Stella said she was ready and Ray wanted kids. They planned to marry, Ray proposed, ring and all that [never specified how though], Stel said yes. Ray set a date, booked the church then Stella asked to delay it but never said why. It never got un-delayed. Right when Ray was going to bring the topic back up, Stel started feeling unwell. The next day she went into labour and lost the baby.
Have to continue in a new post now!!!
Re: OOC
Date: 2007-02-10 11:19 pm (UTC)Stel didn't want to go and see him, asked Ray not to go either.
They never saw or held the baby at all?
Re: OOC
Date: 2007-02-10 11:32 pm (UTC)Stel didn't want to go and see him, asked Ray not to go either.
I wrote that in a description part when talking to rayk (
I feel the strangest urge to type ^_^
Re: OOC
Date: 2007-02-10 11:48 pm (UTC)I tend to RP with the other RayK, so, I only need to worry about being consistant with you.
Re: OOC
Date: 2007-02-10 11:40 pm (UTC)Re: OOC
Date: 2007-02-10 11:50 pm (UTC)Re: OOC
Date: 2006-12-23 11:22 pm (UTC)Ray and Stella have only spoken about the baby once and it lasted for abt 5 mins until they started arguing and Ray said something really stupid. See: Things I never should have said and done at http://r-vecchio.livejournal.com/3881.html#cutid1
[“You don’t talk to me anymore! Why don’t you talk, Stel?!”
“Because you never listen anymore!”
“I’m listening now! Tell me what you wanna say, Stella ‘cause I am tired of guessing all the time.”
“I-I don’t--”
“What? You don’t what, Stella? I’m listening! Look! I‘m listening!”
“I don’t want to talk to you when you’re like this, Ray. It scares me. You reall--”
“I scare you?! I scare you?!”
“Ray, stop, please, stop--”
“No, no! You said what you wanted to say, I heard loud and clear. Christ, Stella, you’re so - so goddamn- maybe it’s a good thing the kid never lived to--”
Our first and last conversation about…that. Maybe there’s the reason she doesn’t talk to me anymore. So damn used to getting my way, being the tough guy, I -- I forgot who I was speaking to.
I never meant to say that. Anything like that.
I just - I hate myself for saying that. I don’t deserve Stella and I don’t deserve kids. My dad was right, I turned out just like him.]
Stella didnt talk to him for a long long time. It was like living with a different person, he'd only glimpse the Stella he knew for the briefest of moments [none of which I have written accounts for]. It was like they were both living in seperate houses, even though they were together. Apprently, according to a convo Ray had with ray__k (the Kowalski RayV mostly rps with) Stella broke down on the phone and told RayK everything. (RayV had asked Kowalski to ring and see if Stel wud talk but didnt really think she would. He was really hurt when she did talk to Kowalski about it)
Again, gonna have to start another comment! *runs around screaming, tearing her hair out...ow, ow, ouch, ow*
Re: OOC
Date: 2006-12-23 11:23 pm (UTC)Stel got a job with a lawfirm called...something! I'll find it and leave the name as a comment. She wanted to get back to work, missed being a lawyer, that's when he started thinking abt being a cop again. She had an interview, clinched it, got the job right away. The phone call came when Stel was out, Ray took the message and told Stella later. Not sure how that convo went...lol.
Ray looked after the bowling alley after the miscarriage. Did the books etc. Stella went out with her friends quite a lot, that's what she told Ray anyway but one night he rang them up and Stella wasn't with them. But she came home at 3am and told him that's where she'd been. He never questioned her her lies.
I feel really bad about this! Telling you all this when she's your muse now! But honestly, I'm sure it wouldn't be too difficult to change some things if you want to do that.
I've always felt if Stella had spoken to Ray about her feelings, he never would have moved back to Chicago. (it started off as a temporary move, but now he's got his job back and has partnered up with Kowalski, it's pretty much permanent. He still needs to collect all his stuff from the house in TAMPA though, that's where they lived) He never stopped loving her, but he couldn't get close anymore so that's why he couldn't take it. He felt like she was blaming him for losing the baby but he couldn't figure out why. There might be a story there but I haven't written anything for it.
The bowling alley is still being sold. Ray's sorting it out and was just gonna ring Stella when the final papers come and send her the contracts to sign. if she wants more involvment in the sale, then wheeee! He got a letter very recently, this week actually, about the buyer, who incidentally lives in Chicago, not being happy with the arrangements, namely the amoutn being charged for deposit being too high and the extent of the refurbishment for the bulding. I think i said the buyer was going to turn the bowling alley into a boxing ring...for some reason, lol.
Ray hasn't done anything about the house in Tampa as he assumed Stella would be staying down there. But both properties, the alley and the house, are in joint names so he couldn't have sold it anyway without her agreement.
He told Stel he would be going back to Chicago for a while to give them both some space and that he hadn't booked a return flight back yet. She didn't seem to mind, at least not to Ray.
Uh, can't think of much else at the moment, I'm sorry this is sooooo long!
Oh! Ray had a Chevy, lol. Um...they used to have cocktails on the beach. Ray suggested Benton as a name for the baby! As a joke. She vetoed it, he vetoed Ethan. But *sigh* that name didn't stay vetoed for long. Evidently.
I purposely didn't mention if Ethan Kowalski had a middle name as I wasn't sure whether or not Stella would have given him one. The only part of his name that both Ray and Stella had agreed upon before the birth was that the baby's middle name would be Raymond but I never wrote whether or not Stel stuck to that. So Ray doesn't know either.
Now I think I'm typed out, so if there is anything else (which i highly doubt would be the case) then I'll tag you somewhere.
If you have any question, HOLLA! Please! Lol, this has broken my brain :(
Oh! Oh! In an Ynez and Ray phone convo, Stella came home when Ray was on the phone to Ynez. She asked if it was Fraser on the phone 'cause she knew Ray and Fraser were talking again. Ray said it was, even though it wasn't. He said that because he couldn't bear to hurt Stel anymore than he apparently already had. He wasn't having an affair or anything like that. He never cheated on her on his part, thought they'd be together forever, blah blah blah. Stella? Well...I dunno anymore! LOL.
Re: OOC
Date: 2006-12-23 11:23 pm (UTC)Okay, I really am going now! :D
*slinks off, holding her head*
Re: OOC
Date: 2006-12-28 02:05 pm (UTC)In the meantime, feel free to let Ray carry on as if no one has her for the time being. Hopefully by the end of Jan I should have things back under control and ready to get going again.
And damnit! *looks at comment below* Just when things look like they're going to get interesting for Ray! *resists having Ren friend the Bookman, because I just don't have the time to play* *pouts*
Um, is that a good thing? The soon to be ex husband thing? I guess it is since you'd be able to marry Turnbull!!
Its a good thing. Especially as, yes, Dean McDermott can dump Tori and come marry me now ;P A good thing in the long run, but right now I'm getting a little dizzy not knowing what pressing matter to deal with next. Eh, it'll pass and I have Turnbull to pamper me....
Well well...
Date: 2006-12-19 04:13 pm (UTC)