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For Fraser
Ray pulled up outside the Consulate, slamming on the brakes. He’d spent most of the morning arguing with Al over the price of the work needed for the Riv and had ended up paying a hundred dollars on top just so he could get his hands on the keys today. It’d been worth it though, she ran like a dream. He didn’t know why, but being behind the wheel made Ray feel great. He was Vecchio again, he was in Chicago and had his Riv. Three things he’d been missing for too long. The fourth was sitting in the Consulate, probably arguing with the Dragon Lady over some weird Canadian thing, like whether the Queen would appreciate a mint on her pillow should she ever decide to visit Chicago. Which was kind of stupid, Ray thought, since he was pretty sure there was a British Embassy in the city somewhere so surely she would stay there.
He was stalling, he knew this. Finally, finally he would be seeing Fraser again. They were going for lunch, like they had done a million times before but this was different. So much had changed for both of them and the last time they were together, Ray was lying in a hospital bed drugged up to his eyeballs. He can’t expect to simply walk in and everything to be the same, to go back to how it used to be, no matter how much Ray wished.
Turning off the engine, he sat in the car for a few minutes and stared at the building. It would be okay, Fraser was his best friend. He could do this. Ray looked at his watch. He was a early and Fraser had said he has lunch at one. Okay, not too early. Grabbing the keys, he shoved open the door and pulled his jacket tighter around him. Only November and already feeling like winter. As he walked up the steps, he couldn’t help grinning at Turnbull, all dressed up in his pristine Mountie costume, standing to attention out in the cold. Nodding at him with a ‘What’s up?’ he reached the door and pushed it open. There’s nothing better than normality. He stuck his head through before his body followed and yelled, “Fraser?!”
He was stalling, he knew this. Finally, finally he would be seeing Fraser again. They were going for lunch, like they had done a million times before but this was different. So much had changed for both of them and the last time they were together, Ray was lying in a hospital bed drugged up to his eyeballs. He can’t expect to simply walk in and everything to be the same, to go back to how it used to be, no matter how much Ray wished.
Turning off the engine, he sat in the car for a few minutes and stared at the building. It would be okay, Fraser was his best friend. He could do this. Ray looked at his watch. He was a early and Fraser had said he has lunch at one. Okay, not too early. Grabbing the keys, he shoved open the door and pulled his jacket tighter around him. Only November and already feeling like winter. As he walked up the steps, he couldn’t help grinning at Turnbull, all dressed up in his pristine Mountie costume, standing to attention out in the cold. Nodding at him with a ‘What’s up?’ he reached the door and pushed it open. There’s nothing better than normality. He stuck his head through before his body followed and yelled, “Fraser?!”
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He glanced at himself in the mirror for only a second, averting his eyes immediately and staring down the drain as the water washed away. He shook his head slightly when he heard Fraser apologize, and shut his eyes. There was no way on earth that he could explain himself to Fraser now. He should have known when to shut up instead of losing his cool like…that.
And now Fraser was going to be thinking all the wrong things. Or rather, the right things but in the wrong way. And Ray still had no answers.
But he couldn’t stay locked up in the washroom. Silent. For ever. As nice as that sounded right now.
Wiping the water swiftly off his forehead and mouth, he straightened his jacket and wiggled his shoulders, taking a deep breath. He released it sharply and turned towards the door, swiping his hands on his pants. It was going to be hard to walk back out there and face Fraser again.
He eyed the door nervously, standing about a foot away from it.
“I’m not gay, Fraser,” he called out, his jaw clenched tightly. It would probably be best to clear up any misunderstandings right away.
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Ray wasn't gay. Great. That was...just great, but it sort of left him right back where he started, without any idea as to how to fix any of this. He just wanted things to be normal again; now, if it wasn't too much to ask. Normal as in not having to chase Ray to the restroom because he blew a fuse during lunch. If this was the new norm, then he could honestly say that he hated it. The old version of normal didn't usually involve conversing with a door between them, but Ray did seem calmer while on the other side so maybe it was for the best.
"It's not him you're angry at. It's me." Fraser frowned some, shifting his back against the wall slightly. "You went away and you knew that you would be replaced at the 27th, at work...but now you feel as though you've been replaced elsewhere."
He spun his hat idly, sighing heavily before dropping his head and staring at his boots. "You're two different people, Ray. Yes, there are more than a few notable similarities, but...you're you and he's him and I'm sorry if you've felt like you've been demoted to second best, but I assure you that isn't the case."
His Ray may have fooled the rest of Chicago, but there was only one Ray Vecchio and he wasn't it. Fraser feel in love with Ray Kowalski, not just some guy who was pretending to be the other Ray.
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Because it still remained that he did feel compared and the fact that Fraser ended up feeling more for Kowalski than he ever did for Ray just proved that point undoubtedly. Ray didn’t think his problem with Fraser being with a guy was too big for him to overcome - he got the whole love thing, he understood it. But it was all the other stuff that comes with loving someone. The friendship, the trust, being the person that the other one comes too when they need to talk or just want to hang out. That was what Ray was thinking he’d lost.
Why would Fraser need Ray when he had Kowalski now, to be his best friend, the one he trusted, the one he wanted to hang out with or grab dinner with? At least when Fraser had been having trouble with women, Ray could be there for him, to cheer him up, be his friend. But Fraser had the 2 for 1 package now. Everything he needed in one Polish guy. Best friend and lover; the former being a title Ray really didn’t want to give up but feeling like he’d lost it already.
He wanted to yell some more, to demand to know why it hadn’t been him. He was sick of hearing why it was Kowalski, he’s a good cop, I love him, isn’t that enough? All he really wanted to know was if Fraser preferred Kowalski as his best friend. But Ray was too afraid to ask, in case he got the answer he didn’t want. He doubted Fraser would give him a straight answer anyway. Not being demoted to second place didn’t tell Ray much as he was pretty sure it was impossible to have two first places, but it was Fraser so who knew with him?
But asking him which Ray he liked more as a buddy wasn’t something Ray could do, simply because he knew how unfair it was. Didn’t stop him from wanting to find out though, from screaming the question over and over in his head until it ached.
He hadn’t replied to Fraser yet, which was pretty dumb in Ray’s opinion. So he walked slowly over to the washroom door, his shoulders slightly slumped, and pulled it open. He could see the red of Fraser’s serge at the edge of his vision.
“I’m pissed at you, yeah,” Ray told the buttons on Fraser’s uniform before looking up at him. “But I’m bein’ a jerk.”
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So, Ray was angry with him. That wasn't really anything all that new to him, but at least all those other times had been...somewhat justified. Usually it had something to do with Fraser being annoying or risking their lives in insane ways or being annoying while risking their lives in insane ways. But this wasn't anything like that. This was Ray making himself feel as though he'd been replaced or bumped down a spot or whatever the case was because, honestly, Fraser still didn't understand it entirely.
Ray had always been his best friend and that wasn't going to change in Fraser's mind. It was that simple. At least, it was to him. But apparently Ray was less than confident of the fact.
Rubbing the back of his neck again, Fraser pushed away from the wall and signed. "You're my friend, Ray, my best friend. That's what you were before you went undercover and that's what you are now. Ray...the other Ray, hasn't seized ownership of that title in your absence. It's not a winner-by-default type of thing."
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“Really?” His grin was somewhat childish. Hearing him say it reminded Ray of the first time Fraser had told him that. It had surprised him then and to be honest, it surprised him now. Not because he thought Fraser was lying or anything, but purely because of the way Ray has been acting. That was not how best friends were supposed to act. At all. So if Fraser had turned around and told him the complete opposite, he figured he wouldn’t be able to blame the guy.
“I mean, yeah,” he cleared his throat, “okay.” He waited a moment before swinging his shoulder towards Fraser, feeling a little embarrassed. “You’re my best friend too, Benny.”
Fraser had been Ray’s best friend way before he’d gone undercover. In fact, pretty much as soon as they’d starting working together and hanging out, when he’d first arrived in Chicago. And he was sure as hell still Ray’s best friend now so when he thought about it that way, nothing between them had actually changed. Which was probably what Fraser had been trying to say.
Ray had the strangest urge to bang his head repeatedly against the washroom wall.
“Uh, so…” He grimaced. Great, everyone had heard him shouting so there was no way they could eat there now. He slung an arm around Fraser’s shoulder. “You wanna find someplace else to grab lunch?”