For Fraser

[r_vecchio]

Ray pulled up outside the Consulate, slamming on the brakes. He’d spent most of the morning arguing with Al over the price of the work needed for the Riv and had ended up paying a hundred dollars on top just so he could get his hands on the keys today. It’d been worth it though, she ran like a dream. He didn’t know why, but being behind the wheel made Ray feel great. He was Vecchio again, he was in Chicago and had his Riv. Three things he’d been missing for too long. The fourth was sitting in the Consulate, probably arguing with the Dragon Lady over some weird Canadian thing, like whether the Queen would appreciate a mint on her pillow should she ever decide to visit Chicago. Which was kind of stupid, Ray thought, since he was pretty sure there was a British Embassy in the city somewhere so surely she would stay there.

He was stalling, he knew this. Finally, finally he would be seeing Fraser again. They were going for lunch, like they had done a million times before but this was different. So much had changed for both of them and the last time they were together, Ray was lying in a hospital bed drugged up to his eyeballs. He can’t expect to simply walk in and everything to be the same, to go back to how it used to be, no matter how much Ray wished.

Turning off the engine, he sat in the car for a few minutes and stared at the building. It would be okay, Fraser was his best friend. He could do this. Ray looked at his watch. He was a early and Fraser had said he has lunch at one. Okay, not too early. Grabbing the keys, he shoved open the door and pulled his jacket tighter around him. Only November and already feeling like winter. As he walked up the steps, he couldn’t help grinning at Turnbull, all dressed up in his pristine Mountie costume, standing to attention out in the cold. Nodding at him with a ‘What’s up?’ he reached the door and pushed it open. There’s nothing better than normality. He stuck his head through before his body followed and yelled, “Fraser?!”

Comments

[r-vecchio.livejournal.com]

That was it. Ray had bitten his tongue for as long as he possibly could. If it’d been up to him, they wouldn’t have continued this conversation when they got to the restaurant because it really wasn’t the sort of place Ray where wanted to talk to Fraser about it. But Fraser just kept pushing and Ray was pretty sure it was ‘boyfriend’ that forced him over the edge.

He dropped the menu carelessly onto the table top, placing the palm of his hands directly over it. This time, he let the anger and hurt, because he was hurting, rise to the surface. Maybe it was something about Italians and unruly emotions, but he wasn’t about to hold back. Fraser wanted to know about his ‘negative feelings’, then fine. Ray liked to give Fraser what he wanted.

“You say I’m unreasonable and then you give me ‘not unlike yourself,’” he mimicked, his steady voice becoming louder and slightly ragged. He shoved the menu away, leaning back in his seat, and shook his head in disbelief. He felt trapped here.

“Not unlike myself?” he spat, feeling his frustration reach an unbearable level. “That’s the fucking problem, Fraser!” He shouted it, right at Fraser’s face before scrambling out from behind the table and spinning back around. People were staring but Ray couldn’t care less.

“You don’t see!” Everyone Ray had spoken to, since coming back from Vegas, had told him that Kowalski and he were similar and it hadn’t really bothered him. He just figured it was a lucky match for undercover work. Until now. Until he’d found out his best friend had fallen for the guy ‘not unlike’ himself.

“Jesus Christ!” Ray’s fists curled into balls and his head was shaking vigorously. “Tell me again, Fraser, why Kowalski?! Why’d it have to be him? Why’d you fall for him after I’d gone?!”

Ray couldn’t make it any clearer. His voice had gotten about as loud as it could get and he was lost in a whirlwind of thoughts and feelings, not one of them good. He didn’t even notice the restaurant anymore; it was just him and Fraser and everything he’d been keeping inside.

“What is it about him, huh?” Ray stared right at Fraser, his eyes wide. “What is there about him?!” Every question was punctuated by a violent point in the general direction of the entrance where they had come in. In the general direction of outside, of Chicago, and finally Kowalski.

“What does he have that I-”

He stopped himself at the last second, his eyes widening even further. He blinked, his mouth hung open, the sudden silence strange, in direct contrast to his angry outburst. Staring hard at Fraser’s shoulder for a moment, he lowered his arm as well as his head. He didn’t dare look Fraser in the eye. Turning around, he could feel everybody’s gaze upon him but he simply shrugged it off. He really didn’t care. He headed straight to the back of the restaurant, past the curious customers, and towards the men’s bathroom.

[fraser-rcmp.livejournal.com]

Fraser would have called after him, but he felt as though the other patrons of the restaurant had already been subjected to more than enough. With a quiet, discontent groan, Fraser slumped forward, his forehead hitting the table with a thunk. The collar of his surge was just about choking him in this position, but in the moment he didn't care. He could feel himself go beet red, knowing well and good there were more sets of eyes on him than he was comfortable with. Staring at the tablecloth seemed much better than looking around, giving all those sets of eyes matching faces.

Ray had spat question after question at him with barely a pause for breath in between to allow Fraser to even attempt answering them. Not that he could have had there actually been sufficient time. A wide-eyed deer in headlights isn't really good for anything but awaiting the blow of the oncoming truck.

He sat there for a while, collecting himself and feeling a slight sense of relief once the normal level of sound had returned to the dining area. The sound of the normal, constant mumble of conversation was back, rather than the pin-drop silence when all eyes were on he and Ray. Still, he kept his head down, thinking, the words of Ray's final question lodged in his head. He'd never finished the question, really, but Fraser was bright enough to fill in the blank.

What did Ray Kowalski had that Ray Vecchio didn't...

Even in it's incomplete form, the question just seemed...strange to Fraser. It implied way more than Fraser was comfortable with, way more than he ever figure Ray would be comfortable with. It implied a kind of jealousy and that...that was odd.

Lifting his head off of the table, he brought his menu up with him accidentally. Swatting it off his forehead quickly, he sighed before sliding out of his seat and retreating in the same direction that Ray had disappeared in and he couldn't have been more relieve to get away. There was no way he'd be able to eat there now. That day or any other. Honestly, the entire dining room probably thought the pair were in the midst of some terrible lovers quarrel...and the thought of that made Fraser go red again. He was doing great...

Reaching the washroom door, he knocked politely. "Ray? I don't mean to intrude in the off chance that you have actually retreated in order to relieve yourself and not because of...that" He didn't have a better word for the display that had just taken place, so 'that' would have to suffice. "But I'm...sorry. Actually, I'm a bit more confused than I am sorry but an apology never hurt..." Even if everything else he's said today has. Asking Ray straight out if he were jealous of his Ray probably wasn't the best route to take either.

Sighing once again, he leaned back against the wall and fiddled with the brim of his Stetson. How was it that complimenting someone for being an good cop led to this? Only in his life, he supposed.

[r-vecchio.livejournal.com]

Ray was bent over the basin when Fraser knocked on the door. The tap was running, and he had already slapped four handfuls of ice cold water into his face, the droplets still dripping from his nose and chin straight onto his shirt. The collar was wet by now, the heat creeping up his neck, from his shame and embarrassment, quickly warming the damp material.

He glanced at himself in the mirror for only a second, averting his eyes immediately and staring down the drain as the water washed away. He shook his head slightly when he heard Fraser apologize, and shut his eyes. There was no way on earth that he could explain himself to Fraser now. He should have known when to shut up instead of losing his cool like…that.

And now Fraser was going to be thinking all the wrong things. Or rather, the right things but in the wrong way. And Ray still had no answers.

But he couldn’t stay locked up in the washroom. Silent. For ever. As nice as that sounded right now.

Wiping the water swiftly off his forehead and mouth, he straightened his jacket and wiggled his shoulders, taking a deep breath. He released it sharply and turned towards the door, swiping his hands on his pants. It was going to be hard to walk back out there and face Fraser again.

He eyed the door nervously, standing about a foot away from it.

“I’m not gay, Fraser,” he called out, his jaw clenched tightly. It would probably be best to clear up any misunderstandings right away.

[fraser-rcmp.livejournal.com]

"Oh." Well, thank God for that. "Uh, I just... I mean when you asked what--" Maybe he should have just stopped at 'oh'. "But since I am you're wondering why him and not you?" He could have went ahead and made it clear to Ray that he himself wasn't, in fact, gay, not strictly speaking, but given the current sensitivity of the situation and the fact that, yes, at present time he was with a man, he figured it best not to nitpick.

Ray wasn't gay. Great. That was...just great, but it sort of left him right back where he started, without any idea as to how to fix any of this. He just wanted things to be normal again; now, if it wasn't too much to ask. Normal as in not having to chase Ray to the restroom because he blew a fuse during lunch. If this was the new norm, then he could honestly say that he hated it. The old version of normal didn't usually involve conversing with a door between them, but Ray did seem calmer while on the other side so maybe it was for the best.

"It's not him you're angry at. It's me." Fraser frowned some, shifting his back against the wall slightly. "You went away and you knew that you would be replaced at the 27th, at work...but now you feel as though you've been replaced elsewhere."

He spun his hat idly, sighing heavily before dropping his head and staring at his boots. "You're two different people, Ray. Yes, there are more than a few notable similarities, but...you're you and he's him and I'm sorry if you've felt like you've been demoted to second best, but I assure you that isn't the case."

His Ray may have fooled the rest of Chicago, but there was only one Ray Vecchio and he wasn't it. Fraser feel in love with Ray Kowalski, not just some guy who was pretending to be the other Ray.

[r-vecchio.livejournal.com]

Ray sighed, long and low, groaning quietly as he ran his hands over his head. It didn’t matter how many times Fraser, or anybody else, told him that he was him, and Kowalski was Kowalski so how could anyone compare?

Because it still remained that he did feel compared and the fact that Fraser ended up feeling more for Kowalski than he ever did for Ray just proved that point undoubtedly. Ray didn’t think his problem with Fraser being with a guy was too big for him to overcome - he got the whole love thing, he understood it. But it was all the other stuff that comes with loving someone. The friendship, the trust, being the person that the other one comes too when they need to talk or just want to hang out. That was what Ray was thinking he’d lost.

Why would Fraser need Ray when he had Kowalski now, to be his best friend, the one he trusted, the one he wanted to hang out with or grab dinner with? At least when Fraser had been having trouble with women, Ray could be there for him, to cheer him up, be his friend. But Fraser had the 2 for 1 package now. Everything he needed in one Polish guy. Best friend and lover; the former being a title Ray really didn’t want to give up but feeling like he’d lost it already.

He wanted to yell some more, to demand to know why it hadn’t been him. He was sick of hearing why it was Kowalski, he’s a good cop, I love him, isn’t that enough? All he really wanted to know was if Fraser preferred Kowalski as his best friend. But Ray was too afraid to ask, in case he got the answer he didn’t want. He doubted Fraser would give him a straight answer anyway. Not being demoted to second place didn’t tell Ray much as he was pretty sure it was impossible to have two first places, but it was Fraser so who knew with him?

But asking him which Ray he liked more as a buddy wasn’t something Ray could do, simply because he knew how unfair it was. Didn’t stop him from wanting to find out though, from screaming the question over and over in his head until it ached.

He hadn’t replied to Fraser yet, which was pretty dumb in Ray’s opinion. So he walked slowly over to the washroom door, his shoulders slightly slumped, and pulled it open. He could see the red of Fraser’s serge at the edge of his vision.

“I’m pissed at you, yeah,” Ray told the buttons on Fraser’s uniform before looking up at him. “But I’m bein’ a jerk.”

[fraser-rcmp.livejournal.com]

Fraser would have disagreed with Ray's opinion of his behavior if it hadn't been for the fact that he completely agreed. Disagreeing would have been a lie, agreeing probably wouldn't help the situation any, so, he decides silence is the best solution. At the very least, it's the one that results in the least amount of arguing.

So, Ray was angry with him. That wasn't really anything all that new to him, but at least all those other times had been...somewhat justified. Usually it had something to do with Fraser being annoying or risking their lives in insane ways or being annoying while risking their lives in insane ways. But this wasn't anything like that. This was Ray making himself feel as though he'd been replaced or bumped down a spot or whatever the case was because, honestly, Fraser still didn't understand it entirely.

Ray had always been his best friend and that wasn't going to change in Fraser's mind. It was that simple. At least, it was to him. But apparently Ray was less than confident of the fact.

Rubbing the back of his neck again, Fraser pushed away from the wall and signed. "You're my friend, Ray, my best friend. That's what you were before you went undercover and that's what you are now. Ray...the other Ray, hasn't seized ownership of that title in your absence. It's not a winner-by-default type of thing."

[r-vecchio.livejournal.com]

Ray blinked dumbly at Fraser. Had he just said all that stuff out loud? Everything about feeling shafted and stupid and calling Kowalski a Polack? …Fraser didn’t look annoyed though…he kind of looked tired, but sincere. And he’d just answered one of Ray’s vital questions without him even having to ask it. Maybe knowing that Fraser still thought of him as his best friend meant he didn’t really need to ask anything else.

“Really?” His grin was somewhat childish. Hearing him say it reminded Ray of the first time Fraser had told him that. It had surprised him then and to be honest, it surprised him now. Not because he thought Fraser was lying or anything, but purely because of the way Ray has been acting. That was not how best friends were supposed to act. At all. So if Fraser had turned around and told him the complete opposite, he figured he wouldn’t be able to blame the guy.

“I mean, yeah,” he cleared his throat, “okay.” He waited a moment before swinging his shoulder towards Fraser, feeling a little embarrassed. “You’re my best friend too, Benny.”

Fraser had been Ray’s best friend way before he’d gone undercover. In fact, pretty much as soon as they’d starting working together and hanging out, when he’d first arrived in Chicago. And he was sure as hell still Ray’s best friend now so when he thought about it that way, nothing between them had actually changed. Which was probably what Fraser had been trying to say.

Ray had the strangest urge to bang his head repeatedly against the washroom wall.

“Uh, so…” He grimaced. Great, everyone had heard him shouting so there was no way they could eat there now. He slung an arm around Fraser’s shoulder. “You wanna find someplace else to grab lunch?”